Mad Men Recap: God Save Horny Pete!

Faced with the Mad Men vs. Girls conflict, it took practically a whole bar to calm our angst over which to watch live. Let's just say it's not TV, it's Mad Men. Last night began with Pete at Drivers' Ed and Miss Honey and Lane getting wasted and singing God Save The Queen, which reminded us of how we celebrated the royal wedding but with a lot less coke. Except for they were celebrating the Brits winning the World Cup and now thanks to Roger we'll always wonder, a cup of what?

Then we had the somewhere-near-Greenwich dinner. Trudy manipulated Don into coming over so he could see her giant new dress that's almost as big as her giant new house. Things went cray when the sink broke and…in the typical artsy way that says “this part is not important but it's also like, very important”…Don fixes it while Pete runs to get his toolbox, like a tool. Silly Peter, leave the repairs to the former poor guy. Saturday night in the suburbs, that's when you really want to blow your brains out.


mad men 30 signals adeleI set my loins


But the episode got interesting when the boys went on their office excursion to the whore house, where they met Adele and speculated about Lane's sexuality. This led, predictably, to a duel-esque situation in the office between Pete and Lane, that was watched and encouraged by Roger and Don (and Bert but who cares). It was the most riveting match since Pacquiao faced Mayweather.

So Pete loses this geriatric fight, which was clearly a side effect of false confidence from the night before, when some whore told him he's “one of those guys who's stronger than he looks.” Clearly this prostie hit one of his big insecurities and he wanted to prove himself, after all we totes saw him admiring Drivers Ed Boy's biceps. Furthermore, “you're my king” is his come-on of choice. Get it together Pete, the whole industry exists to service people who need to hear how big their dick is from someone whom they pay to say so.

Ken: If we could force ourselves to stop picturing his wife melting into ambiguous silver fluid, we might catch Ken mentioning, again, that he is a published writer. If we didn't know that his “stories” are just a vehicle for symbolism, we would call them out for being fucking ridiculous, which they are. Please Ken, tell us the one about the goose who lays the golden eggs!

Trudy: WELL hell-OOOO!

Megan: She may have dressed in her Thanksgiving best for the suburban shindig but clearly she wasn't prepped on the guest list. Not only does she not know Alex Mack's name, but she couldn't have made this any more clear. So Ken where have you and um…where have you two decided to live? Then five minutes later she screams her name out randomly, CYNTHIA! Come on Meg, if you're going to be socially awkward at least do it in French.

We also don't buy that this former aspiring actress, who became a secretary for all of five minutes before marrying her boss, thinks anyone takes her seriously when she says she planned to become a copywriter. Earth to Minkus: it's the 1960s, you're allowed to tell people you want to be a wife. If you're going to pretend to want a career, at least say something believable…flight attendant, tupperware party thrower, Brady Bunch extra…


mad men 30 signals fightBut this was girl world…fighting had to be sneaky


Don: We can forgive him for wearing that clown suit jacket to Pete's because of this scene with Megan as she's driving home: I'm too drunk for you to drive…we should pull over till we both sober up…actually screw that, don't pull over it's super gravely…you know, you look tired…if you're tired you can totally lay down on my lap if you want…just take a little lap nap.

Pete: Before this episode the way we felt about Pete was the way we imagine most people would feel about him if he were a real person: very fucking perturbed. But after last night we feel bad (but also really excited) that he may be losing it. He's like one bad meeting away from unscrewing the bolt on the bridge, if you catch our meaning. Seriously Pete, you mad you have to take the train? I guess pretending to want a license so you can legally drive (drunk) around suburbia is a great excuse to enroll in the same class as the soon-to-be sluts of Ohio State.

Honestly it's no wonder Pete lost the girl to the hot guy in the class who was actually her age and could definitely beat Lane Pryce in a fistfight at the very least. Pete showed us just how bad he is with pickup lines, as he couldn't even manage to get a girl who lets guys finger her in Drivers Ed.


mad men 30 signals massageWhat I'd do for a massage from ole Berty here is too X-rated for the internet


Girl: I used to go to the botanical gardensPete: In the bronx?? My family donated some of that! (Side Note: What does “some of that” mean exactly, they fed exed them a couple large ferns and called it a day?)

Pete: We'll have to find a good Sunday to go to the gardensSlut: But what about church?Pete: God is all over the gardens!


Also this isn't very important but we were wondering, why was this girl hungover from vanilla extract? Is there something we don't know? Probs, but then again I have a bad case of TLTW …too lazy to wikipedia.

Roger: Roger was just being Miley, making irrelevant but funny cracks on the lifelong search for someone to get fucked up with. It was nice to see him sort of thinking about work when he was giving Lane a 10 minute pep talk on how to handle clients, aka how to schmooze and manipulate them. This too turned out to be a waste of his time as it clearly eluded Lane, though the underlying message was pretty obvious to us: do less.

Lane: His kiss with Joan was gross, Lane is officially the first English guy I'm not attracted to.

Also Lane forever branded himself with the line, HE WAS CAUGHT WITH CHEWING GUM ON HIS PUBIS!! See, even Matthew Weiner knows all about the Maybe Gay Bro.

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