Sometimes life is hard, and a betch can get overwhelmed. Whether finals week is nearing an end and you're having trouble getting in touch with the nice girl who's supposed to hand in your final project, you just entered the phase of silence in the post-breakup life cycle, or you just generally need a vacation from your life of club hopping in NYC (ugh I'm like so over cutting lines in this bathroom), vacations are often the perfect expensive break from everything that we need to clear our heads and show everyone how much tanner we can get than them.
It's important to know how to rock any type of vaca situation. We're here to break it down for you.
Vaca with friends: Spring break or not, a vacation with the besties for a weekend in the Hamptons, South Beach, your liquor cabinet, will never fail to entertain. As always, drink to oblivion at night, and spend the day curing your hangover with iced coffee, advil, any form of narcotic, and a vodka soda, in no particular order.
Never underestimate the calming and relaxing effect the pool has on your hangover. Sure soaking in every ray the sun has to offer while applying Neutrogena's newest dry oil with SPF -15 can be soothing, but swimming in the pool sometimes might just do the trick. And by swimming we mean standing in place. While trying to hold your vodka soda steady.
When betches are in the pool, we don't really move around, we just stand in circles, laughing very loudly, and making sure our bikinis don't fall off. If Phelps doesn't swim on his fucking vacations, why should we? And while betches love the beach, we don't do weird shit like actually swimming. Saying you're “going in the ocean” because you're really hot from laying in the 95 degree sun for the past three hours, usually includes a 2-5 second foot dip in the water followed by a “fuck it. It's toooooo cold I'm going in the pool.”
Let's talk about the unspoken “hassle” of packing. Packing for a vacation with your friends is almost as hard as paying someone to take your SATs for you, as in not at all. It's as simple as: you have a closet full of clothes, fucking pack them. Much to your disbelief, betches and George Castanza have one thing in common. We dress based on mood. Scared you'll pack too much? Stop! Everyone knows the 50 lb limit is for poor people and pussies. And hey, the upside of traveling with your besties is that they already know that you'll be wearing three quarters of their shit and about nothing of your own. Well, maybe your underwear.
When it comes to flying, we imagine any type of strife and starvation those skinny people feel in Africa is exactly how betches feel when we're not seated next to our besties on the plane. So, if you're not flying private it is completely necessary to make a huge scene on the plane in order to secure a block of seats near one another. Once you've thorougly pissed everyone off, feel free to move around, shout profane things and proclaim how excited you are to get extremely wasted the minute you get land. And if anyone objects or asks you to settle down, tell them to take a chill pill and politely offer them a xanax.
Vaca with Family: You never want to turn down a vacation with the parents, as lame as it may be. Depending on the type of parents you have, they may not want to take shots but they'll definitely keep the wine and martinis coming. Granted either way, you're going to a hot place, you'll come out of the week glowing with a tan and the feeling that you just had a free vaca, which you did.
On the other hand, as our ugly hot AP econ teacher once said, as his Trump-like hair flapped to the other side of his head, there's no such thing as a free lunch. Despite your luxurious vacation, you still have to listen to their incessant shit. Why don't you go talk to those guys over there, they seem nice. …We might meet up with our friends for dinner, be a doll and please explain to their son in explicit detail the college admissions process….It's like..fuck no?
Vacation with Your Boyfriend: Or should we say your bag caddy. Going on vacations with your boyfriend is great because he pays for everything, and the two of you can focus on important things like getting drunk and having sex instead of finding others to have sex with.
There are certain dealbreakers to look for when island hopping with your pro. Remember our motto that “rolls are for trolls.” That is to say, if your boyfriend considers it “helpful” to take you rolling bag while you're stuck lugging around your Louis Vuitton tote, you should ditch this lazy loser. Make him suffer a little with your heavy shit, it's good for the soul.
We should also mention that, although it may seem like a really sweet great idea in theory, surprise trips are for nice girls. Every betch knows an essential part of a vacation is the two weeks of starving yourself beforehand to get ready for beach muploads, obvi. Your boyfriend should instead focus his efforts on booking the most expensive hotels and restaurants possible rather than on how great the surprise of it will be. See betches are like, way philanthropic. Also, you wouldn't want your housekeeper packing your shit for your surprise vaca because like, what if she packs as if she's packing for herself? No thanks Rosita, but I'm not trying to wrap my hair in a giant fruit patterned piece of cloth.
No matter what type of vacation you're going on, remember to relax, kick back, and take a well deserved break from the everyday stresses that life throws at you. Also, remember to moisturize excessively upon return. No one likes a peeling bitch.