How To: Pretend You Care What Anyone’s Saying When It’s Not About You

Ugh, betches hate when they're expected to participate in conversation that's not completely centered around them. It's the fucking worst. But no fear, use some of these handy tips and voila! Soon you'll have people fooled into thinking you give a shit about them.

Eye contact: We can't emphasize enough the importance of eye contact in pretending to care what people are saying. You could be planning how you're going to systematically murder this person and their entire extended family, but as long as you're looking them in the eye, they have no fucking idea.


Nods of approval: Coupled with solid eye contact and a few well-placed “mhmmms” and “rights,” every time you give a nod of agreement you're saving yourself from needing to construct an intelligent sentence or ask a thoughtful question. Gross.

Occasional smile: Knowing when to insert the occasional smile only requires about 5 percent of your attention but the rewards are massive. You'll know when to whip out the smile because the other person is smiling. Take the hint. Not only will they think you're paying attention, but they'll actually think you agree with them! Which you might, who knows? You weren't listening.

Pay attention to small cues: If by chance, between daydreaming and admiring your manicure, you happen to catch on to the general topic of convo and realize that this person is #1 talking shit about someone insignificant to you but very significant to them, throwing in the casual “what a fucking bitch” is a great way to reassure them that you’re on the same team. You don’t know who she’s talking about, but you def hate them too.

Adderall: Pop one of these and you're set. You no longer need to pretend, you do care. A lot.




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