How To: Make the Best March Madness Bracket Ever

So March Madness is again upon us, and while most betches have virtually no idea what's going on, many among us will fill out our very own brackets anyway. There's no better time to pretend to know about sports than the present, when the sport in question involves #136 college athletes and something nicknamed the Elite 8. That's what my high school besties used to call ourselves!

But while bros base their picks on years of monitoring of the NAACP, and nice girls base their picks on the top 5 google results, some people don't need reasoning to back up our winning picks. Some people just know. So you can stop asking your brother, dad, or the bro you're fucking to copy his bracket, and you can stop reading articles about picking teams by their mascot, season record, or because Obama did. The Betches have picked the best March Madness bracket like, ever.

Also, just wondering, where is Penn State? Absent this year? Bad coaches?

Anyway, take a look at our bracket and feel free to copy it verbatim. If you're confused as to why we would ever pick a team in 15th place to beat one that's in 1st place, you've clearly never played in our league before. If you're questioning any of our reasoning, check out our explanations below.


UNLV vs. whatever – Wait, there’s really a University of Las Vegas? Are they transfers from the University of Disneyworld?

Baylor vs. South Dakota – What’s a baylor? It’s called a butler.

Notre Dame vs. Xavier – Saw Rudy once, read Something Borrowed. Gargoyles are gross but Xavier sounds grosser.

Duke vs. Lehigh – Battle of the douchebag schools. Duke wins. Call us when your uniforms aren't the color of feces, Lehigh.

Michigan St. vs. LIU Brooklyn – You can't play bball in skinny jeans, Brooklyn!

Murray St vs. Colorado St – Colorado State for the win, all the bros we know from Murray Hill are wayyyy too short to play basketball.

Syracuse vs. NC Asheville – Seriously Cuse, your outfits are orange! Whoever said orange is the new pink was seriously disturbed.

Gonzaga vs. West Virginia – West Virginia should win, cheese is like, so fattening. I wanna lose 3 pounds!

Ohio vs. Loyola – Ohio. Loyola rhymes with Crayola which rhymes with nice girl.

Creighton vs. Alabama – Because Creighton sounds like a British lord from Downton Abbey and Alabama's been the slowest team in the league since Forrest Gump quit.

Michigan vs. Ohio – No fucking idea, didn't I guess this one already?

St. Mary’s vs. Purdue – St. Mary’s, they have God on their side.

And if you're wondering why we didn't fill out the bottom right corner, it's because our Adderall wore off.


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