How To: Judge a Bro by his Cover

There's nothing a betch loves more than judging people. No matter where you are or what you're doing, you can be sure that somewhere in the world there's at least one pissed off betch who's forming unfounded opinions about many others. Is a betch judging you right now? You better fucking believe it.

As much as we love to feel negatively about other betches, we realize that there's like, no real value in this because who the fuck cares? Instead betches use their skilled and sharp judgment for productive reasons. Namely this judgment is used to filter through the multitude of bros that think we're hot.

scott disickThere's a new spokesman for the Cabbage Patch Kids?

Making a judgement based on what a guy is wearing is kind of like assuming fat people are lazy, substantiated and very fucking accurate. Before the #43 haters start with the whole OMG YOU GIRLS ARE SO SUPERFICIAL THIS IS DISGUSTING rant…yes, thank you Observant Olga. Everyone knows that judging guys based on the content of their character rather than the color of their boat shoes is for MLK Jr. and Helen Keller.


Here's why the assumptions we make are almost always true: Whenever you see a guy wearing something questionable, we remember that he ACTUALLY bought this item, or worse, his mom bought it for him. A guy can be fashionably clueless but conscious of his appearance. However clueless and not giving a shit is a recipe for disaster.

Since betches have an astute eye for criticism, judging bros by their appearance should be easier than than a girl who's TGF on Blackout Wednesday.

Clothes: They say it all, but generally this is a taste thing. Preppy look, frat bro look, fake hipster look, surfer look, blah blah. It's all up to you, as long as he looks put together in whatever way he's going for. You know the brands you want to see.

Caveat: A guy could be perfect until he sports like, cargo pants or something. If by chance you carelessly overlook his mishap in wardrobe, we guarantee that when you decide to have sex with him, he'll be asking if you mind wearing elf ears while fucking to the soundtrack of Lord of the Rings.

Shoes: A picture is worth 1000 words, but a guy's shoes can write a mini fucking novella. Remember, if the guy doesn't give a shit about his shoes, why should you give a shit about him?

Elitist shoes: A betch will rarely reject a Sperry, unless the guy who's wearing them is particularly heinous. Loafers are cool, like the pro is definitely wealthy, but be wary of how much time he spends with his mom. Sure his Berlutis may say he's loaded but remember, gay guys can be rich too.

Flip-flops: If it's summer and the guy is wearing flip flops, that's totally normal. But if he's wearing them during the winter he's a fucking weirdo and will most likely Other summer shoes: Don't get us started on Crocs, wearing them out is the equivalent of wearing socks during sex. And unless you're Steve Irwin or trekking the Masada, leave your Tevas at home or forever be nicknamed Crocodile Dundee.

Streetwear or collectible dunks can be cool if a guy is rich and can pull off the faux-hipster vibe, like if he collects Les Pauls or is trying to start a clothing line called Crisp.

And if you stumble upon a guy wearing bright white sneakers he's straight from the ghetto or is a volunteer firefighter. Tell this guy to go back to 8 Mile and take his flat brimmed hat with him.

Hair: When it comes to judging a guy by his hair it's hard because every betch has her own taste. Long hair, short hair, blond or brunette. Any combination of these can go so right or so fucking wrong. If the guy's hair is longer, he can either be dirty hot or just plain fucking dirty, depending on the rest of his outfit. Like if he's displaying an oversized dark green coat and cut-out-finger gloves, he's either homeless or Justin Bobby on an off day. When it comes to short hair, as long as he's not bald we're down. As the saying goes: if he's not a skin head, you can give him head.

And we don't think it's especially necessary to delve into our opinions on things such as excessive bling, brands such as Ed Hardy or Hollister, or guys who wear rings. A betch prefers to think about these things the way she thinks about desserts: like they don't exist.




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