How To: Be Hungover Like A Betch

Every betch knows that being hungover sucks. We imagine being hungover is how nice girls feel all the time: fucking awful.

snow white

Maybe you just woke up on Lil Wayne’s tour bus. Maybe your body feels like it got hit by a truck. Maybe you did get hit by a truck. Maybe you just decided to follow Rosie O’Donnell on Twitter. Whatever it is, Blackout Wednesday has caught up with you and now you’re dealing with the consequences.

Fortunately, in addition to a Cartier Love bracelet, betches have a few tricks up their sleeves.

Betches know how to cover all their blackout bases ASAP so they can go right back to being pissed off and hungover. If you don’t know how to get a new iPhone in the mail, the family lawyer on call, and a couple of preemptive “Sorry! I was so drunk!” texts out in under 10 minutes, then you’re probably not a betch.

[Side Note: There’s no better excuse to start #112 talking about oneself than a hangover. Not only does it give all your friends an opportunity to ask about what you did last night, but it gives you an opportunity to let them know how much fun you have, while simultaneously #80 bitching. And you get to tell them all about your vomiting habits without them thinking you’re bulimic. You can take very secretive pride that you threw up last night’s dinner.]

girl hungoverAs if I needed another reason not to talk to you.

Betches also know how to turn their bedrooms into hangover headquarters. At 4pm when she finally musters up the energy to move and speak, a betch will usually just scream “HELP!” until her maid/boyfriend/doorman brings a bottle of still, a bottle of sparkling, and a bottle of Advil on a silver fucking platter.

Looking at #6 muploads from the night before helps make the whole mess seem worthwhile. Seeing fucking double means looking twice as skinny, right?

Now, sometimes a hangover’s so shitty that a betch feels the need to give up alcohol altogether. Maybe I’ll finally start studying for the GRE’s! But a betch is just as likely to keep this promise as she is to keep the Sabbath.

In the end, no matter how bad a hangover is, a true betch knows how to rally. Drinking with a hangover is about as backwards as fucking a bro while breaking up with him. But given the make-up sex you’re bound to have with alcohol anyway, a betch is willing to look past the irony.



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