As one of the saddest days of a betch's life approaches, it's important to think ahead and prepare. No, I'm not talking about having a job lined up or figuring out how to do your own fucking taxes/laundry. I'm talking about May's hottest topic: graduation presents. Okay, so it's still April, but plan ahead betches, or get fucked over with some gift certificate to Old Navy from your cheap Great Aunt Mildred.
A betch knows that this is her last chance besides her #4 birthday to solicit presents from everyone who's distantly related to her without having to stay on the treadmill long enough to garner a marriage proposal. There's no better way for your family to show how proud they are that you spent the past four years drinking and attending about 10% of your classes than bringing you expensive shit to celebrate the fact that you crossed “fucking in the library” off your “Things To Do Before I Graduate” List. It goes without saying that betches will take any opportunity to solicit multiple obscene gifts from literally any family member who still has the motor skills to write a check.
In the spirit of making a super depressing time in our lives just a little less painful, take the following advice and get on your gift requests now. This is an actual email from a betch to her family, so let it be an inspiration for your own wish list. Remember, the nice girl winds up with a Hallmark card, or even worse, like, a 2009 Hyundai.
Heyyy familia since I am graduating in basically a month I thought it would be a GREAT idea to send you a list of POSSIBLE graduation gifts I would love to have from our family! I can't wait to see you guys so soon and party hardy for my last horrahhh as a college student…I remember being in middle school and thinking how old college people are and how far away the time for me to go to college was, everyone always told me college is the best time of your life but the fastest 4 years, and that is 100% true. I love you guys and cannot believe it is almost here!
THE list: 1. Beats or Bose Noise Cancelling Headphones..the Beats I like in black or white and the Bose just comes in one color. (this can be from outside the immediate family) 2. Marc Jacob Sunglasses, a specific type of aviator I can give more details about them if anyone wants to purchase them. (this can be from outside the immediate family) 3. (from Papa and Nana) I would LOVE a piece of jewelry I would wear forever from them, the Cartier Love Bracelet, the Love Ring, or a Gold Cartier watch (I have a specific one in mind for all of these)! (all depends on their budget, which I don't know) If they'd rather give me a trip or something like that I, of course, have a few places in mind. 4. A trip to Vegas 5. A trip to the South Of France 6. Mom, those earrings I showed you last week I LOVE 7. An Iphone 8. An Ipad 9. A new Ipod 10. Money, of course
I AM NOT SAYING I WANT ALLLL OF THESE THINGS FOR GRADUATION I AM NOT THAT STUCK UP AND I KNOW SOME OF THESE REQUESTS ARE EXPENSIVE I AM JUST SAYING THIS IS A LIST OF POSSIBLE THINGS I WOULD LOVE TO RECEIVE AS A GIFT FOR GRADUATION. I LOVE YOU ALL!