85. Freshman Roomies

One of the most stressful, exciting, and important part of a betch's transition to college is choosing her freshman roommate. The freshman year living situation presents a rare occasion in which you’ll be living with someone that isn’t necessarily your friend. Since betches are very picky, this poses a challenge and making the wrong decision definitely has its consequences.

First of all, betches just don’t live with randos because we already know everyone worth knowing and every college never fails to fill the year’s quota of freaks. Guess what, these weirdos are all choosing random roomies while all the betches are pairing off. Never go rando. Agree to live with a total stranger and you run the risk of inhabiting a 20×10 space with a nerd, a narc, or worse, a girl who says “The Facebook.”


Choosing the roommate is a delicate process. Betches live with their bestie's sister's bestie's younger sister, or their camp bestie's bestie from Hawaii-Alaska '05. There's always a bestie involved. They're the only ones we can trust.

When you’re put in a situation where you’re forced to meet several girls that are going to your school at like a meet-up in the city or a party, you’ll know when you’ve found your roommate. You will have similar interests, find the same things funny, and most importantly, talk shit about the same topics and people. This will inevitably be followed by that moment of: “OMG, should we just like, live together!?”

However, if a betch is set up with someone she’s never met, checking the girl’s Facebook is the absolutely the most important factor in agreeing to live with her. You prefer that your potential roommate is pretty so that you can go out together and that she'll be a good wingman but not so pretty that there's any debate over who the hotter roommate is. Checking her Facebook to make sure she's not a freak, had normal high school friends, and her list of favorite movies doesn't include “An Inconvenient Truth,” are among the most essential college prerequisites.

Ugh she’s tagged in like several pictures of the front covers of Broadway show programs. And WTF, why does her entire wardrobe consist solely of Abercrombie clothes?! She’s G2G.

Let’s not forget about awkward situation where someone you’re not really into asks you if you have a roommate. Hopefully by then you already do but if you don’t you will most definitely make some shit up. Yeahhh there's this girl I know she kinda already asked me to live with her. Awk sauce.

Once the decision is made, you'll start planning how you're going to decorate your room. If this interaction is online you'll immediately hit up potterybarn.com to get “ideas” for what you want your tiny square to look like. You write on each other's walls. Love my new roomie!

Also, do you have allergies or any physical ailments? We should prob try to get some doctors' notes saying we have permanent shin splints and are allergic to unfiltered air… Handicap room here we come.

Cut to the start of freshman year. 99% of the time your roomie situation winds up one of three ways.


the roommate


Tweedle-dee and Tweedle-dum: You two are peas in a fucking pod. You're those stupid annoying freshmen who can't help but let the entire fucking campus know that you're roommates. Half your tagged photos are the two of you doing the same pose at different frats with the caption LOVE YOU ROOMIE or BEST ROOMMATES EVAAAA. Thank you for putting our concerns that there might be trouble in the paradise of your freshman dorm at rest. Most of the time tweedle-dee and tweedle-dum tune this down after freshman year even if they remain besties and/or roommates, which they usually do.

Casual roomies: This is most people. You're friends, you get along, you have occasional roommate issues but generally things are chill. Lots of people have no idea who your roommate is. You're friendly enough to ask her to borrow her top but not so tight that you'll ever agree to be sexiled.

Cain and Abel: You hate each other so much that you would consider murdering her along with whomever else facilitated your living together and anyone who ever suggested it would be a good idea. You've more than once considered killing her in her sleep and you've been looking forward to the day you move out of your dorm more than your own fucking wedding day.

So betches, be careful who you choose as your college roommate, because it can either become the gift that just keeps giving or a self induced sign-up to have the most frustrating year of your life. Remember, just like “The Roommate” taught us, go rando and you could wind up with a lesbian BSCB who tries to kill you and like, hates kittens.



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