167. Forgetting Names

“I’m going to walk up to him and say the four most vicious words you can say to a person you’ve already met. ‘Nice to meet you’– Jenna Maroney

Betches love to be subtly disrespectful, and by subtly we mean with a blatant disregard for giving a shit about other people’s feelings. We also love to be condescending, but unlike nice girls, we would never do so by throwing out random facts we learned in health class. Drugs are like, really bad for you. Marijuana impairs your memory! For betches, like everything else we do, being arrogant is done with far less effort. This is why we always forget people's names; it's the ideal way to tell someone who you primarily equate to math or like healthcare, as in you're am not fucking interested.

Let’s make one thing very clear: betches don’t forget names of others because we’ve been blacking out and doing drugs for so many years and therefore aren’t capable of doing so…okay that’s like part of it. But it’s mostly because we do not fucking care. If we were to meet the King of Genovia on a plane and he told us we were pretty, we could probs make the effort to remember his name, so long as it was engraved on the inside of a Cartier bracelet.

Basically, if the person in question is anything short of royalty or like, Britney Spears, you can be sure you will have forgotten their name before they’ve finished saying it. Let’s review the most common reasons someone would not be distinctive enough to make a lasting impression on your precious brain:

1. They're ugly.

2. They're boring.

3. They failed to ignore you enough to make a substantial impact.

4. You were too busy listening to yourself say your own name and didn't hear them say theirs.

5. You actually do remember their name and are just pretending you don't to piss them off.

If you do find yourself in a situation requiring a direct address of a person whose name you have forgotten, it is perfectly acceptable to create a situational nickname with which they will henceforth be referred to– that is if they are lucky enough to ever cross your mind or lips again. For example, if the guy who bought your drinks all last night was wearing a red shirt, you will never call him anything but Fucking Red Shirt.

Seeing as we're often bored, a great way to entertain yourself is to come up with creative nicknames for people whose names you're trying to recall.  If they are remotely ethnic feel free to call them any Puerto-Stani-Mexi-Nese noun you can think of. Anything from Javier to Chairman Mao is acceptable. Fear of being racist is for politicians and Mel Gibson’s publicist. Also, don’t hesitate to just change someone’s name for the sole reason that you don’t fucking like it. “Your name is Vinny? Ok, well I’m going to vomit if I think about having sex with someone named Vinny so I’m gonna call you Brian.” 

The real reason betches don’t remember anyone’s name is that, frankly, it is just much easier to not give a fuck. Not to mention that it's way more fun and it conveys a sense of our importance in others' minds relative to ours. Yes, people often get pouty around the third time you've introduced yourself to them. However, they can get the fuck over it. If they had been memorable enough, you'd know their name so it's really their own fucking fault for being so painfully dull.

Like why should you feel any sort of necessity to keep tabs on people you know if you can't even remember your own lifelong housekeeper's last name? If you really care that you’ve offended somebody you can always turn it into a back handed compliment like “OMG you looked so skinz I didn’t even recognize!!” But really, you should just own the fact that you didn’t know their name. I mean if I didn’t memorize a single word on my SAT vocab list, why the fuck would I memorize some rando's birth certificate?

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