46. The Environment

We know what you’re thinking, betches. The environment?! Betches don’t care about anything! Think again, the environment is actually the perfect cause for betches to pretend to know about. Ever since you took that bullshit AP Environmental Science class in high school you realized that knowing about the environment didn’t involve #2 keeping up with the news. All you had to know about the environment was that it was going to shit. Oh no, the environment’s fucked! Let’s save it! No war for oil!

As if you’d ever actually bring your recyclables to a recycling place. You’re way too busy, and it would be embarrassing for anyone to see you there. People might think you’re poor!

But what do we love about pretending to love the environment? It lets everyone think that we’re good people, and it gives you a reason to sound intellectual when you commend Cheryl David for reducing her carbon footprint by only using recycled toilet paper in her home! Nevermind that she only flies private…Public airports are full of terrorists, and ugly people. The environment can wait.

Betches will take any opportunity they can to try to prove to others that they’re extremely environmentally conscious. Some examples:

You don’t personally recycle, but you appreciate the thought. Maria, your maid, will carry this good deed out for you.

When it was time to get a car in high school and your dad let you choose between the x5 and a Hummer, you thoughtfully chose the Beamer. What a great excuse to indirectly tell my parents that I don’t want to drive a fucking tank to school. I can’t believe they fell for it when I said I didn’t want them to spend so much money on gas!


girls pushing a carThat's what you get for being a gas-guzzling bitch.


You once saw fifteen minutes of An Inconvenient Truth. It got boring, so you turned on Mean Girls. Whatever, at least Netflix thinks you watched it.

You just installed a freshwater pool and solar panels at your Hamptons house.

You took pictures of Smart Cars when you were #3 abroad. So cute!

You eat Sun Chips. They’re made with the power of the sun!

As soon as my trust fund kicks in, I’m totes gonna donate money to Africa.

Let’s talk about the Prius. Even though it’s not the most attractive car, it’s like kind of expensive! And Natalie Portman drives one! You know a bro who drives one too, and sometimes you let him drive you to class so you don’t have to walk.

For the Stoner Betch, being environmentally friendly is necessary to keep up your reputation. You once shroomed in a field and it was amaaaaazing. Nature is like, so important, you know. Even though you wouldn’t think twice about throwing your water bottle bong out your car window in high school, it’s just like…how can I save the environment if I’m grounded?


donte your old yoga mat sign“Daddy, some people lost all their belongings! Don't you think that includes recreational equipment?”


Much like vegans and vegetarians, caring about the environment is really useful for pretending to take our focus off of ourselves, and show that even betches care about the future of our planet. My kids are gonna be really hot, so there better be a world for them to fucking live in! Also, whenever it’s cold out, the stupid betch will inevitably say to the the smart betch, “Ugh, what happened to global warming? It’s sooo cold!” Then the smart betch gets to reply that it’s the fault of erratic weather patterns, or some shit like that. Caring about the environment is like that one week after you read Skinny Bitch and you pretended to be a vegetarian. Animals and like, the ozone layer need our help. Be a betch. Go green. Remember, even Cher gave her water skis to the Pismo Beach Disaster Relief.



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