We’re back to Empire, where we left off with Lucious, the literal worst character in television, getting out of jail. He finds out that he isn’t allowed back into the Empire building and is super pissed about it. Like, how dare they not invite him back into the building, he practically invented them, ya know?
Instead, Lucious refers to himself as God and gives a press conference to like 30 people on a street corner in New York about his return. Somewhere in the distance Yeezy is plotting his revenge, because there can only be one shitty rapper calling himself God. Plotline for Season 3?
Cookie goes to get Hakeem for his interview with Sway, who you only know from TRL in 2002 and this show, and Becky G is there. Cookie calls her Guadalupe and some other racist shit, and I’m surprised she doesn’t ask Becky G if she can do some housekeeping afterwards? Maybe some yard work? Idk I’m just throwing out some ideas here.
Hakeem goes to perform on Sway’s show, autotune in full affect. It’s literally just Sway, Hakeem and Cookie in the studio but Keem still dances like a d-bag and lifts up his shirt. Why.
Sway is like “Yo, how do you think your Dad feels about this?” and Keem is like “idk ask him yourself.” To which Sway is like, k. AND CALLS HIM. LIVE ON THE RADIO. Like okay Sway you took that way too literal. Lucious answers, because obviously every time you call a massive celeb and CEO, they answer on the first ring.
The conversation goes something like this-
Sway: Yo, Lucious how do you feel about Hakeem leaking his album?
Lucious: Yeah, Hakeem is a dumbass.
Sway: Yo, this track is pretty sweet.
Lucious: Again, Hakeem is a dumbass.
Hakeem is talking some mad shit about how he’s going to be so much better than his Dad and how he has an all Latina girl group that’s going to be amazing, blah blah. So Sway is like “ok bring them on the show”, because apparently that’s how Sway schedules interviews. Hakeem agrees, even though Cookie is telling him no, further proving the main theme of tonight’s episode: Hakeem is a dumbass.
Lucious invites his family to dinner to keep his enemies close, obviously. He says the word family so many fucking times. Like seriously, if you were taking shots every time the word family was said you’d be getting your goddam stomach pumped after this dinner. Say crack one more time. Crack.
He tells them that all will be forgiven if they all come back to Empire and Cookie is like, the fuck you think this is? She basically tells him that his shit is so twisted and that she won’t be going back to Empire. She drags all the food on the floor, to the horror of Andre’s ugly ass blonde wife, who I still don’t think is pregnant.
Lucious calls Boo-Boo Kitty over to his club, because apparently when you’re out on bail you can still go club hoppin, and is like you need to sabotage Lyon Dynasty. Boo-Boo Kitty acts tough, like she can stand up to Lucious, for about .3 seconds and then is like “ok, so what’s the plan.” Kudos to her though, she was actually dressed like a normal fucking person this time instead of the crazed lesbian she usually looks like.
Back to the Latina group, who is basically one Dorinda away from being “The Cheetah Girls”, is pretty good but Becky G is still being a bitch. Cookie yells at her a lot and Hakeem is like, mom let me produce them, let me live my life. Dumbass.
Andre wants to get back into Empire and is trying to convince Lucious, who is like you need to do something amazing for me in order to get back into Empire. Andre gives him this idea to own half the radio stations in the world, and Lucious brushes it off. Andre leaves defeated, but still sexy as hell.
Chris Rock’s daughter shows up to Empire, because remember Lucious said he would sign her and “give her his bone” (that line literally haunts me at night). Lucious is like “we need that girl because you suck and she’s more important than anyone else in the world” and makes Jamal try and sign her. The girl shows up with 30 thugs in her posse and the only people from Empire is rainbow-queen Jamal and Precious.
The girl is like, nah. Lucious can come sign me personally and bounces. When Jamal tells Lucious, he’s upset. He needs that little hoodrat to sign because he’s starting an “out of the hood” program record label, because apparently that’s one amenity the Boys and Girls Club doesn’t offer. Jamal is like, BUT DADDY WHAT ABOUT MEEEEE.
Boo-Boo Kitty comes to Cookie and is like “look I hate Lucious and he wants to sabotage you and yeah.” Even though I don’t trust Boo-Boo Kitty at all, Cookie seems to. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship or a fucking terrible mistake, which is the same beginning mentality of most of my Tinder dates.
Lucious throws himself a “Coming Home From Jail After Murdering Someone” party and Jamal and Pitbull are performing. I would rather be in jail than listening to Pitbull live. Cookie interrupts wearing a Uni-tard made of chains that she got on sale at Charlotte Russe. She introduces Dynasty and their main act, Hakeem.
Hakeem starts rapping an anthem about how much he hates his family, and Jamal is secretly loving it because that’s pretty much all he sings about too. #Twinsies Hakeem also brings out Timbaland, which is such a #tbt. The song is lowkey a jam and by far the best shit I have heard come out of Hakeem’s big ass mouth. Seriously, that dude has a mouth made for honeycomb.
Pitbull: You Cookie, that shit was hot, DALE.
Cookie: Thanks Pitbull.
Pitbull: PLEASE CALL ME MISTER WORLDWIDE OR MISTER 305.
Cookie is in her office afterwards and it’s obvious that Legacy is dope AF now after the “crash the bail-out party” stunt. Her office is pretty nice and it’s amazing how this shithole complex in the ghetto suddenly looks like a million dollar office building in a matter of an episode.
Andre comes in and tells Cookie he wants to work for Empire. He also tells her that he and Veronica, apparently that’s the blonde girl’s name, are expecting a baby. Cookie is real excited and tells Andre to tell Lucious about the baby. “Tug on heart-strings” she says, “It’ll all work out” she says. You’re forgetting that Lucious has either a) murdered, b) sent to prison or c) disowned everyone he has ever loved. His heart strings are like not a thing.
When Andre tells Lucious about the baby, Lucious’ first question is about the baby’s mental health, which is like, kinda weird. “AREN’T YOU WORRIED YOUR BABY IS GOING TO BE FUCKING INSANE?” Uh no, I wasn’t but now I am. Andre is like, no Dad, mental illness doesn’t run in the family, I’m the only crazy one here! Which I fully disagree- I think that by all of them thinking Hakeem is talented, they might as well be diagnosed as fucking psychotic.
Lucious flashes back to Kelly Rowland, who is obviously Lucious’ mom, and how she is acting is crazy. Through deductive reasoning, I have concluded that this is why Lucious hates Andre, because he reminds Lucious of his mom. This kind of scientific conclusion I made just now is why I went to college.
Kelly Rowland’s psychotic break-downs: KELLY IS JUST AS POPULAR AS BEYONCE. KELLY IS JUST AS CUTE AS BEYONCE. WE SHOULD ALL JUST STAB BEYONCE!!!!
Lucious gets mad at Andre for using the baby as an excuse to try and get back into Empire and kicks him out. Proving the other theme of the night: Hakeem is a dumbass and Lucious has no soul.
Jamal is bitching about all his producers sucking ass and Precious is like, wow everyone in this family is fucking stupid, go see Cookie. Jamal is like, maybe you’re right. Maybe I should go see the woman who stood by me for 25 years, accepted me and started my career.
But, everyone in the Lyon family has good intentions for like .8 seconds, and then they go back to being shitty human beings. Lucious convinces Jamal to not go to Cookie, but to let Lucious produce him. Because their relationship is just SO GREAT. SO GREAT.
Lucious’ sketchy ass lawyer recognizes a park in the hood where Chris Rock’s daughter is performing. She’s getting in an epic rap battle with some Biggie Smalls looking motherfucker, and I’ve seen better rapping from “Supa Hot Fire”. (Look it up on Youtube, thank me later). But seriously, I have spit better rhymes in poetry assignments from the seventh grade.
Biggie Smalls says something about Frank Gathers, her dad, and hoodlum Barbie then tries to pop a cap in his ass. Fear not, Lucious, the convicted felon and murderer of her father is there to save the day. Lucious says that she is talented and that maybe she should avoid the whole “murdering people” thing and sign to Empire instead. She obviously doesn’t know that Lucious killed her Dad, but damn, am I excited for when she finds out.
The dominatrix/Transgender looking prosecutor shows up into the ghetto, apparently stalking Lucious. She’s like, “hanging with all the thugs are you?” and it’s like, seriously. You let him into a fucking nightclub. Like does it even matter anymore?
She’s like “I’m going to bury you with evidence” and Lucious is like “ I’m gonna bury you with this dick.” And it’s so fucking uncomfortable, like, seriously am I in hell? What did I do to deserve watching Terrance Howard be sexually aggressive?
Cookie starts whipping the Latina girl group into shape using some prison tactics. Becky G is like “I’m going to be famous without having to sleep with anyone” and Cookie’s like “dream big, Greencard.”
The girl group goes to premiere on Sway, who pretty much stays relevant by guest starring on this show, and Lucious shows up. Saw that coming.
Turns out, he bought out the radio station, like Andre had suggested. Meaning that Empire owns like, every radio station in the hip hop community. Meaning Cookie is getting anally fucked harder than Jamal ever has been. Without radio, like what is there, Lucious argues?! Cough, cough, Spotify.
Turns out Lucious also stole Becky G from Cookie. I never liked Becky G. I trust her just about as much as she trusts orthodontists, which is obviously not very much. She starts snuggling up to Lucious, meaning she’s sleeping with the big wigs now. Hakeem looks heart broken, which brings me such a chuckle.
Lucious makes one of his zillion empty threats about how Cookie “forgot who she’s messing with” and Cookie’s like, nah bitch. It’s time for war.