48. The Dud

In the group of besties, it's necessary that everyone brings something to the metaphorical table. You have the friend who always wants to rage, the friend who rolls the amazing blunts, the funny friend, the one who hosts your #23 pregames, and the rich one. Then we have the other friend, the one who has been dubbed the group Dud.


We understand that the topic of the Dud can be a sensitive one, but any true betch is familiar with this character. Ask anyone in your bestie group what they think of the Dud, and they'll obviously say that she fucking sucks. Even though no one would actually consider this girl their personal bestie, she's somehow been able to play her cards well enough that no one has a good enough reason to just kick her the fuck out…though we all secretly wish she'd find some nice girls to sit at home with on Friday nights to watch He's Just Not That Into You. Let's face it, bros are just not that into the Dud…ever. To guys, she’s more of the hit-it and quit-it type.

Often it comes down to a crucial decision: watching Dancing With the Stars with your Great Aunt, or going bar-hopping with the Dud. Depending on your Great Aunt's dialysis schedule, you might choose the former.

Not sure who your Group Dud is? You're probably it.

She's the friend who's always on the end in group pics. She's cute but she's not prettier than you, so you always look hotter standing next to her. She's great for the times when no one else wants to listen to you complain about your problems, but when she starts to talk about her issues, you sort of zone out and start thinking about what you're going to wear tonight. Even though her presence is irritating during the sober portion of the pregame, she's great as a wingman because you never have to feel bad about ditching her. Also, she'll fuck anything in her line of sight, so she's an inevitable match for the wingman of the bro who you're trying to get with. See betches, everyone has their niche in society.

arrested development

Even though she never fucking opens her mouth to say anything worthwhile (not that you'd care anyway), one of the benefits of Dudship is that she probably has a massive collection of secrets from years of listening to you and your besties #1 bitch about people. When you find yourself pissed off because she's taking up space, just remember that you're essentially giving up a permanent spot on your couch for this dumbass to keep your antics to herself.

Since she's never openly offensive, you allow the Dud to chill in your apartment until everyone else leaves. However, she's usually at her worst during one-on-one conversation, so if you find yourself alone with her, you better have a large array of people to #32 BBM so you don’t have to pay attention to her. The Dud is just like dry burnt toast. She has zero flavor, and she's just empty carbs, but if you were starving, you'd eat it. Since betches tend to be bored a lot, she's kept herself in the loop by making herself available in those moments when you're desperate enough to hang out with someone who’s as mentally stimulating as a brick wall.

Betches love having the Dud in our bestie group because it makes us feel like we're doing something nice for others. It's like donating to charity. You're allowing someone who isn't nearly on your level to be in your presence, listening to the thoughts that most people don't have the honor of hearing. The Dud is one step above the nice girl who we use to do our work and do us favors because she at least gets the privilege of being included in the prom limo and our graduation pictures. But Duds, beware. Make sure you stay generous and inoffensive. A betch might be willing to take in a stray dog, but we sure as fuck won't be picking up its shit.



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