So like we said yesterday, we’re declaring December to be the first official International Betch Month. At first we were just going to make a Betch Holiday, but then we thought about how no betch celebrates her birthday for only one day, so we as a people deserve at least a full lunar cycle devoted to us. Obvi.
Decembetch will be a glorious celebration of blacking out and betchiness. It’s like Chrismukkah on crack. We realize that the abbrev for this month is IBM, and much like the site’s abbrev, BLT, we suggest you never use it. IBMs are for our grandpas and mailmen. Everyone knows that betches like their computers like they like their men, as (macbook) Pros.
So why Decembetch? December is by definition a very betchy month. You get a lot of presents, and you don’t even have to graduate or get married for them. The holidays usually revolve around families and traditons (vom) but we don’t really mind because it involves cool shit like electronics and gift certificates. It also gives us a great outlet for talking shit. Omg Aunt Carrie got me an iTunes gift certificate. What does she think I am, poor?
You’re also not in school aka you’re free to do nothing for half of the month. What about the finals part, you ask? Only losers actually put effort into studying for finals. It’s Christmas season and while betches aren’t nice, everyone else is, making them particularly generous with doing our work. Anyway, no one really works in Decembetch because everyone’s distracted by how tan they will get on their winter vaca.
Some might say, how can December be the betchiest month? It’s too cold!?! We say: If you’re cold in December you’re probably poor and don’t use it to vacation on tropical islands. Plus, it’s hard to play favorites with the summer months, and it’s not like we were going to pick some rando shit like May, ew. December is the last month, you know what they say about saving the best for last.
Finally, December culminates in an extremely betchy holiday, New Years Eve. Wow, NYE is like the universal birthday. You get to make a New Years resolution (like: I will eat one less meal this year or I will be nicer to people less fortunately good looking than me) that you will ultimately break. But more on that in the New Years post.
So betches, take December 1st as the start of embracing your betchiness even more than you do year round. If anyone ever tells you that you’re particularly narcissistic this month, feel free to scream “IT’S DECEMBETCH, BITCH.” And lastly, in honor of Mean Girls and Lisa Vanderpump (and maybe breast cancer if we want to pretend like we have a cause à la Movember), in Decembetch we wear pink.