A Strongly Worded Letter To People Who Are Already Talking About Christmas

Dear Nice-Girls and Others,

While we get started, please take a second to find the nearest calendar. Got it?


Now look at November. If you’ll notice, November has THIRTY days, and we’re not even done with five of them!! And then Christmas isn’t even in the first half of December!! Amazing how calendars work, huh?!

Now, if you’re wondering why we’re assuming you don’t know how calendars work, it’s because some of you are already obsessed with Christmas, which isn’t until DECEMBER FUCKING 25TH. It’s one thing for stores to sell decorations six months early, but that doesn’t give you a right to use said decorations before Thanksgiving is over.

If your response to this is something like “but I love holiday cheer!” than A) you’re lame, and B) it seems like you probably aren’t quite busy enough. Maybe join a gym, or get a pet, or don’t waste your time blabbering about reindeer to anyone who flashes you half a smile.

The only reason you should be thinking about Christmas in early November is the presents. Everyone will want to know what’s on your list, and if you’re a true Betch they’ll probably have to save up to afford any of it. Now go forth, wait a month, and then spread some cheer if you must.


Santa’s Little Betches


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