99. Betchhood

Growing up, our teachers taught us that it's important to know where we came from and to be familiar with our roots, like figuring out the origin of our ancestors, or our expensive family heirlooms. We guess history's important and shit but we want to talk about the only historical movement that really matters: The rise of this generation’s betch.

Our favorite movies:

Cher Horwitz taught us everything we need to know: the importance of #8 not fucking high school bros, how to be philanthropic for those less fortunate-looking help trashy people with ghetto accents, and the definition of sporadically. But honestly, Clueless is a work of art, with each time we watch it we learn something new.


mean girlsWe did everything in our power to NOT turn out like this girl.


Then came along Mean Girls which turned the whole game around. If someone didn’t do something you wanted to do, like a teacher not accepting a request for an extension on your paper, before Mean Girls our reaction would be something like “Whatever, thanks anyway.” Now it’s just “Boo you whore.” It showed us that the #41 fake smile is a real thing and it’s okay to demand your pink shirt back.

We also can’t forget Legally Blonde, because if it weren’t for Elle Woods we wouldn't know that it's okay to go to Harvard Law as long as you're the hottest betch there. She also got in without doing like, any work. What? Like it’s hard?

Our TV idols:

Michelle Tanner was one mother fucking baby betch. She was the youngest of the family but also the most self-centered. We liked that about her. We wanted to be her. Something about her just screamed that she was going to rehab when she was older. That little betch had the full fucking house kissing her ass well before she turned 1. It clearly stuck with the little Olsens.

And who can honestly call themselves a betch without acknowledging the work Angelica Pickles has put in to make the betch life a reality. She was the biggest brat on TV, obvs our number one cartoon idol. Even Tommy knew not to fuck with his super cool rich older cousin.

The Betch Accessories:

So, we’d like to say thank you to our Tamagotchis. You made it easy for us to have a pet without having to do any fucking work. You also gave us a chance to practice starving someone other than ourselves.


RugratsManipulating bros? Check.


Prada backpacks: Omg we couldn’t go anywhere without our Prada backpacks. Like Alex Mack said, “You only LOVE your Sketchers because you don’t have a fucking Prada backpack.” As a 12 year-old the Prada backpack was a necessary staple item to hold all of our important possessions. I’ll put my palm pilot back in my Prada in one min, I have to pencil in tomorrow’s recess. It also gave us a place to put our Nokia cell phone after we were done texting our 7th grade besties and playing Snake.

Juicy Couture: The sweatsuits. Wow. Those were fugly. We sometimes slutted it up by wearing them zipped up with nothing under. And the Juicy 00 shirts? Welcome to Y2K betches.

Tiffany jewelry: If your mom didn’t get you the Tiffany Tag bracelet for your 10th birthday, you were not a betch-in-training.

AIM: So it used to be that you had to remember a lot of specific details if you wanted to get the gossip around…until there was instant messaging, texting's older hotter sister. Sara's in a fight with Alex where she's talking excessive shit about her? Time to copy and paste this convo to Alex! What a 7th grade slut, should've let me borrow your Pilot pen.


summer heights high


Solow/Hard Tail pants: Wow, a fucking wardrobe necessity. How else did you show the world how well you could pull off middle school slut chic than wearing a thong at the age of 12 with leggings that grabbed your ass and legs so tightly you could've been ready for a competitive swim contest? Like, I need to get those super hot orange and light grey solows that say “SOLOW” on the flap, those colors are so flattering.

Betchy Music:

Britney Fucking Spears.

Spice Girls: the original teachers of how to #42 dress like a slut. Also, they were British. Enough said.

Nsync or Backstreet Boys: These were the bros we loved. Every betch growing up either loved Nsync or BSB, and always had a fav in each. Into the pretty boy? Nick and JT were your boys. Loved a man with a chin strap – AJ was yours. Minus ten if you didn’t know that Lance was gay. You probably liked 98 degrees if you were weird, or like really sweet.

Every betch knows that you are where you came from and you should never forget your roots. That is of course unless your roots are dark and ugly, or you're like Ashlee Simpson, in which case you should definitely forget what you looked like before you grew up had plastic surgery and pretend you were always hot.



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