Betches & Bedrooms: Post-Coital Conduct

Be it with your new #62 pro of the moment, #18 fuck buddy, the #53 SAB you swore to yourself you #8 weren't going to fuck again, or the mistaken tryst with a #89 back burner bro, every betch at one point or another has found herself in bed deliberating how to act after a hookup.

If betches know one thing about the inner workings of a bro's mind, it's that how he treats you before you have sex with him doesn't mean shit. Any guy can and will be really nice to you, tell you how amazing and beautiful you are, and text you up a storm in order to get you to have sex with him. What matters is what happens after. Welcome to the betches' guide to decoding post coital conduct.


rihanna and chris brownIf he starts beating the shit out of you, it's time to go


Obviously, this is made easier when the guy you're seeing comes over to your place seeing as he can leave whenever the fuck he wants and you have the power to throw out one of the following -Ohh I'm so tired/I have drunk brunch with my besties in 20 minutes/Why are you still here!?” if necessary.

Obviously, if you like this guy you want him to stay but if he's putting his pants on like it's a fucking timed Olympic event, he's clearly not into you.

When you wind up at his place, determining the next move gets trickier. It's all about reading between the lines, like you're Sherlock Holmes…if he had just gotten fucked.

Clear Signs He Wants You Out ASAP:

– After peeing, he comes back and immediately puts on his pants and starts looking at his phone.

– He passive-aggressively asks if you're planning to stay over “So like…you think you're gonna stay over tonight? Or, um, like what are you thinking?”

– Tells you he has to wake up early

– Gives you your bra that landed on his side of the bed

– Throws your bra at you

– Starts showing you pictures of his ex-girlfriend

– Delves into the seriousness of the dump he just took

Signs He Doesn't Want You to Leave (if you stay, the look you're going for is “tired-chic”)

– Blatantly asks you to stay over

– Gets back into bed to spoon with you

– Starts telling you family stories

– Tells you he loves morning sex

Putting on his boxers right after is a draw. It doesn't necessarily mean he wants you to leave, he might just have an extra small case of Putty P.

Disclaimer: If you don't plan on having sex with this guy (which we highly recommend until you're sure you have all the power), it's proper etiquette to leave at night assuming this isn't a stay-in-to-watch-a-movie date night. As much as guys love sleepovers relegated to the kiss & cuddle, there are limits before you're forever branded the T-TOT (Teasiest Tease on the Town). Oh, and if you have a bad case of halitosis, see Kim Richards for the best air freshener.

He's most likely trying to date you if he:

– Brings you #54 iced coffee

– Asks if you want to get breakfast

– Sets up the kitchen for you to bake him cupcakes if by chance you happen to be a bitter ex-pastry chef

After You Leave:

– DON'T seem too into him or clingy

– NEVER text him first after you part ways.

– DON'T text him things like “thinking about you” or “last night was fun”cartoon – DO let him say that, and if he does, answer with “yeah, was a good time”

– DON'T tell him you can't hang out next weekend because you'll be menstruating and the first few days are when your flow is heaviest.

If he offers you a sweatshirt to go home in, it means he wouldn't mind seeing you again because he wouldn't deal with having to get his shit back from a girl he wants to avoid. If you don't like this guy and deeply regret staying over, don't take his shit, it'll give him something to contact you about.

If you hook up with the guy who gives you clear signs he's not interested in hanging out after he comes, beware that you are 100% in fuck buddy territory and it would probably take a miracle or a nose job to move you to the mainland dating world. Unless this is what you want, move on. No one likes a Stage 5.