Betch of the Week: Miley Cyrus

“You know you're a stoner when your friends make you a Bob Marley cake. You know you smoke way too much fuckin' weed.” – Miley


In accordance with our religious observance of 420, we'd like to honor a true stoner betch and a rare child actor who's almost made it to 20 without a mug shot, Miley Cyrus.

Miley just started being Miley when she starred in Hannah Montana as a pop star who was also a normal girl. When our little sisters attempted to explain the premise of the show we were extremely confused but were still able to conclude the whole thing was masquerade centered around Miley. See, she even had us dazed and confused at the age of 15. Hannah MonImAslut was a shining beacon of narcissism in the post Lizzie McGuire this is what dreeeeeaaams are made of era.

miley cyrus snl


But once Miley broke free of her nice girl Disney contract and hit puberty she was free to do what she wanted, which was strictly partying in the #63 USA. So in between nodding her head like Yeah to JayZ and Britney and touring around the country she was able to get in a little quality time with her best friend, Salvia. After a quick wiki, we find that Salvia is in the mint family, commonly known as Sage. I mean, common Miley, who smokes that shit out of a bong? Left over bitter herbs from Passover?

Despite her loud twang and the fact that if you ever see her teeth alone you might be inclined to ask if we're getting 6 more weeks of winter, Miley is like super hot. No homo. She had a whole scandy photo shoot where annoying prudes like child protective services bitched about her #42 dressing like a slut at such a young age. She has a sick body and her boyfriend is like the hottest fucking Gale I've ever seen. Liam Henmsworth is a certifiable sex machine, complete with an Australian accent and everything.

miley cyrus liam The odds are sooo in her favor

Anyway, Miley's besties include Khlo Khlo, the Biebmister, her dad, and America's favourite grandma Kelly Osbourne. But in spite of her presence in the media, Miley eternally DGAF. She hates the papz and loves to fuck with them. I mean who doesn't put a ring on their engagement finger for kicks? Girls, they wanna have fun, Girls. Everyone's just bugging because they think she has an eating disorder but like, let a girl yoga.


According to google images, this blackout betch hates wearing bras. Clearly if Miley can't be tamed, neither can her nipples. I mean, our gyno's do tell us to occasionally let our bits breathe, but they never say don't do it in public! Like, duh. However Milezy, we can't possibly fathom how you would ever comfortably ride your bike commando. We can barely sit during soul cycle without feeling like we've just been raped. And riding in a tight dress!? Bold moves, betch. We commend you.

So in honor of Miley fooking Cyrus, it's time to let your stoner flag fly today and toke up. But please, leave your rosemary and thyme at home.


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