When someone asks you “who is the quintessential betch?” as people often do, what do you respond? Regina George? Nah, she gets all weird and nice in the end, and also sports a body brace at one point in her life. Snow White? Sure she has all those midgets doing work for her and gets Prince Charming but she was a pasty betch and ate a fucking apple, ew. Totes deserved that food coma.
For all of you who seek an answer to this question, look no further. Just as we give you answers to all of life's problems, except for maybe why your parents divorced or why Gramzy died, we have the answer to this one: Cher fucking Horowitz.
Okay, so you're probably going, “Is this like a Noxzema commercial or what?” But seriously, I actually have a way normal life for a teenage girl.”
This betch has everything, money, a bestie, a frenemy, a guy who's in love with her, a GBFF, a world famous housekeeper and an aptness for manipulating her way through life. Despite her knee high socks, she dresses like a slut in Calvin Klein, (“Says Who?”) and doesn't fuck bros. She's obvi saving herself for Luke Perry. And we def commend her on her ability to not fuck high school bros. Especially Elton the “I left my cranberries cd in the quad” rapist. However we have to call her out on this celebrity crush because Dylan looked like he was the cast of 90210's creepy uncle.
So she's a virgin who can't drive, big shit. So are small children and nuns. We dgaf.
Reasons to love Cher:
Her thoughts are profound: That's Ren and Stimpy. They're way existential.
She knows everything there is to know about boys: 1. Anything you can do to draw attention to your mouth is good. 2. Sometimes you have to show a little skin. This reminds boys of being naked, and then they think of sex. 3. Omg, I LOVE JOSH!
She a wise motherfucker: My birthday is in April and as someone older, can I please give you some advice? It is one thing to spark up a doobie and get laced at parties, but it is quite another to be fried all day.
She's an avid reader: It's like that book I read in the 9th grade that said “'tis a far far better thing doing stuff for other people.”
She's a political mastermind: And so if the government could just get to the kitchen, rearrange some things, we could certainly party with the Haitians. And in conclusion may I please remind you it does not say R.S.V.P. on the Statue of Liberty. Thank you very much.
She can be eloquent on any given topic, even menses: I was surfing the crimson wave. I had to haul ass to the ladies'.
She has a general sense of geography:
Cher: I'm just having a snack at my girlfriend's. Mel: Where, in Kuwait? Cher: Is that in the valley?
She just totally gets it: This is where Dionne lives. She's my friend because we both know what it's like for people to be jealous of us.
Ugh, sorry for the quote overload. We just can't fucking help ourselves, she's a revolutionary. Honestly though, if this website is your bible, Clueless is ours. It's so far ahead of its time. Like sure Cher's integrated closet software was on a PC, vom, but who wouldn't DIE for that outfit maker. And like you probably didn't understand any of the jokes as a
young annoying brat betch growing up, but you still loved it and watched it…hopefully not sporadically.
Not only is Cher betch of the week, she is betch of the century.—[To be clear we are NOT talking about Chaz Bono's mother aka that long haired woman who sings Do yooou belieeeeve in life afta looooove] Oh, and pretend like you didn't have an “As If” keychain on your little lunch-money Hervé key purse in 7th grade, we dare you.
And to leave you off with a thought that has nothing to do with Cher:
When your boyf thinks you find it endearing to be called “BETCH” on the reg, just ask him repeatedly not to call you betch.
Excuse me, “Ms. Dionne.” Street slang is an increasingly valid form of expression. Most of the feminine pronouns do have mocking, but not necessarily in misogynistic undertones.
Whatever, we're outie.