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Dear Pro,

So, at the beginning of fall semester my boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me, leaving me single in college for the first time ever. Since then I’ve kind of been on a of drunken, slutty rampage…. I’m trying to regroup now, but I still have all of my weekend hookups and have gravitated towards my friends that are more interested in blacking out than in getting lunch. And I actually really enjoy the random hook ups and drunken weekends. Basically, I need a life coach. Before this I had slept with all of one person and was in general considered to be a very good person (not that I’m necessarily a bad person for getting drunk and occasionally sleeping with randos). Now? I don’t even know. Does it make it better if I’ve never technically had a one night stand because they always want to hang out with me again? I’m having fun but I’m not sure where the line of acceptability is/if I’ve already crossed it…by a few hundred miles…

Hugs and whatever,

Hungover and Confused Betch

Dear Hungover and Confused Betch,

The main reason I picked this one was one line: �I�ve never technically had a one night stand because they always want to hang out with me again�. I don�t know why, but every girl will find a way to rationalize away the hookups she doesn�t want to �count�. The guy who fingered you in your dorm stairwell after a party. The guy you gave head to after your formal because you just wanted him to leave. You high school crush that you finally went to drillville with over the summer. The �one night stand� that wasn�t, because you know, you see him around campus. Most girls whittle it down to the point that they only count �boyfriends�, and for what? To protect some kind of arbitrary number? Why do girls even have a number?

Most guys don�t have a �number�. I can�t tell you how many women I�ve slept with. I just can�t. Not because it�s some astronomical sum, but because who gives a shit? Life is fluid, and even a girl with standards is going to have a number of sexual partners that, at face value, seems shocking. But let�s do some math. Most of the people I knew in college had a bunch of brief �relationships� that came and went every few weeks. Using that, if you average it out to around 1.25 sexual partners per month and a school year is around 8 months, by the end of your sophomore year you�re looking at about 20 guys. Allow for fluctuations over 4 years, and anywhere from 30-50 different guys isn�t unreasonable, especially if you�re safe about it. Does 40 guys sound like a lot? Sure, without context. But in practice? Not so hard to swallow. So please, remind me again why you�re worried about your fucking �number�.

That said, if feminism between 1990 and 2010 was all about equality and getting laid as much as guys do without consequence, I think moving forward the message should be that girls need to know it�s also ok to not fuck bros if it just doesn�t jive with them. I think there�s a lot of pressure now for girls to be just as wild and promiscuous as some guys, but that�s not everyone�s prerogative. Being a betch is all about acting in a way that�s consistent with how you see yourself, and if you have to rationalize your behavior it�s a sign that you�re trying to live up to someone else�s expectations. Speaking of which�

So you�re in the midst of a slutpage. Given that you went from being a first-timer to running a Reagan-esque campaign for �Campus Bicycle�, it sounds like you�re a little out of sorts. Whether you think you have one night stands or not, others assume you do, and I�m sorry but no one likes a slutty girl. Tighten the fuck up and quick acting like a child, because before long you�ll have no friends. At least join a fucking sorority or something so the people you black out with are girls and not people you�ll end up fucking (though if that happens, call me).

Whatever and Hugs,

Head Pro______________________________________________________________________

Dear HeadBro, WTF is wrong with guys who don’t hit on hot girls? I have been single for about 8 months, and my vibrator is just not doing the trick anymore. Now there are a few things you should know, 1. yes, I hang out will a lot of guy friends because I enjoy getting black out, dancing and ripping shots. 2. I am hot, dress extremely well, and I am very nice and social. 3. I am always smiling and so happy you would think it would be more of an invitation. So, I understand bros get intimidated by a girl who is surrounded by other bros, but more recently I have been hanging out with an all girls group (who are also all very hot). Bros just don’t hit on me and I am getting fed up. I go home alone from the bars every night and I can’t understand why. It’s so bad that even my guy friends see that no bros ever talk to me and they are completely baffled! Please help me to understand why this is happening? Thanks, Lonely in Long Beach

Dear Lonely in Long Beach,

Have you tried the threat of violence? I can promise you, nothing makes a guy want to bend to your will like a loaded firearm and a vivid description of his loved ones suffering an arduous and painful death at your hands. Sometimes a severed horse�s head on his doorstep or torching his parents� house is the gentle push a bro needs to finally see that the shitfaced, desperately TGF girl slurring around the bar is actually the Cinderella to his Prince Charming, or the Coco to his Ice-T.

A word of caution though � don�t get sloppy. I can�t tell you how many relationships I�ve let slip away because I neglected to keep the gun loaded or failed to properly secure the locks when chaining my beloved to a radiator. A successful relationship is all about being attentive to your lover. It�s important then that once their love for you is such that they couldn�t possibly escape, you pay special attention to reminding them of how hot you are, how nice and social you are and ultimately, how lucky they are to have you.

I don�t want to be presumptuous, but I have a feeling I�ll be receiving a Save the Date from you in the near future.


Head Pro

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