98 Degrees and Ryan Cabrera, the second string heartthrobs of the early 2000’s, will be going on tour this summer, and I have to admit my prevailing emotion is anxiety. Sure, back in the day these guys knew how to parade around as sex objects for 12-year-olds with at least a few shreds of dignity, but that was a long time ago. It’s 2016 now, and I can’t help but feel like they’re the musical equivalent of a 75-year-old former NFL player getting thrown into next year’s Super Bowl. As in they’re about to get crushed in a way that’s sad and painful for everyone involved.
Their concert, dubbed the “My2K” tour (kill me), begins on July 8 in Kansas, where they’re still pretty relevant because they only have CD’s in that state. 98 Degrees and Cabrera will be joined by O-Town and, wait for it, Dream, the girl group that sang “He Loves U Not,” otherwise known as the anthem of my entire third grade. Of course all these groups put together is exciting on some level, but there’s a reason this usually happens on a throwback playlist and not actually before your eyes on stage, with the singers mere shells of their former selves trying to relive the glory days. If you think I’m exaggerating, take a look at some of their recent pictures:
Like honestly I don’t even know who that guy on the right is but I do know that he thought his obligations to this group were over in 2002 and he does not want to be there.
And don’t even get me started on Ryan Cabrera and that flaming pile of shit he calls a haircut.
And what in fuck’s sake is that shirt?! He’s simply not ready for the stage.
On a side note, I’m also curious about how this whole tour even came about. Did Ryan Cabrera run into Drew Lachey at the deli line and realize that other retired pop singers might possibly be just as bored as he is? The common theme among everyone performing at this concert is “back by no real demand because we all literally have nothing better to do.”
Despite their desperation, I’m still rooting for 98 Degrees, Ryan Cabrera, O-Town and Dream. They’ve each been an important staple in our childhoods, and TBH “All or Nothing” still makes me weep. That’s why I’m asking that we all pray that this tour goes off without a hitch. Let’s collectively hope that Nick Lachey doesn’t pull a muscle, and that they don’t accidentally bring along some rando thinking she’s the fourth member of Dream. There’s a lot that could go wrong, so keep them in your thoughts this summer, thx.