Once upon a time, there was a goddess-in-training named Dr. Frankenbetch. As a teenager, she had abs and buns of steel, and biceps that weren’t quite steely but were still damn good-looking. Then she moved out of her parents’ house, discovered alcohol, and turned into a doughy blob of a human because she had no earthly idea how to make dinner unless it involved a microwave or delivery driver. It was a short-lived phase, TG, but trust me—no betch should go through that kind of psychological torture if she can avoid it. Here are nine ways to make food that won’t make you fat even if you can’t cook to save your own life.
1. Bake All The Frozen Fish You Can Eat
Grilling is best left up to people that have a grasp of the culinary sciences, but you have to get your protein somewhere. I hope you like seafood, because it’s time to start buying all the frozen fish you can stand. Thaw it out in the refrigerator while you’re at work, add whatever spices you want, then stick it in the oven for however long the package tells you to. An hour later, voila! You have the beginnings of a real-adult dinner. All the info is on the box—you really can’t fuck this up. (You can also microwave it I think, but it will probs taste disgusting.)
2. Learn To Love (Or Not Totally Despise) Steamed Vegetables
Yes, vegetables are disgusting, and anyone who says otherwise is delusional. But consider which is worse: choking down some broccoli, or the three hours of SoulCycle it takes to work off all the alcohol and Taco Bell you consumed last night? Start buying the kind of veggies you can steam in the microwave in a bag, and eat them along with the fish you just made. They’re ridiculously healthy and so easy to make you can’t not eat them—you literally don’t even have to take them out of the bag. Eventually, you might even end up brainwashed into thinking they taste okay, especially if you add shit like garlic and olive oil.
3. Replace Pasta With Couscous
If you try to wean yourself off of the microwave, you’re going to wind up eating way too much pasta despite your best efforts. Don’t do that. It’s all fun and delicious carb-y games until you have to start borrowing your mom’s clothes because nothing you own fits anymore. Instead, make couscous—it’s literally the same process (stick it in boiling water for a little while and try not to burn down your kitchen), but it’s better for you because the grain is less refined.
4. Become The Sandwich Queen
Sandwiches aren’t just for grade schoolers, although they are so easy a 9-year-old can make one. Toast some bread, add something green (spinach, lettuce, avocado—whatever), and layer tomatoes slices and deli meat. (Though beware, deli meat is salty af and could just as easily make you bloat.) If you can’t at least make a halfway-decent grilled cheese, I honestly worry whether you have a functioning brain stem.
5. Add Canned Soup (But Don’t Eat It As A Whole Meal)
Canned soup has a shitty reputation, probably because most of us associate it watching terrible sitcom reruns while home from school sick with the flu. As an adult, though, it’s not half bad as long as you check out the sodium content before you buy. Take a page from mid-priced bakeries and heat up half a can to go with your fish and veggies/sandwich/whatever half-baked culinary monstrosity you’ve created this time. As long as you eat something else with it, it totally counts as cooking.
6. Wrap Leftovers In A Tortilla
Wraps are even more versatile than sandwiches. Stick your leftover veggies, meats, and/or salads from a restaurant (aka people who do know how to cook) in a tortilla, and you’ve got yourself a legitimate dinner; I don’t care what you say, mom. If you’re feeling ambitious, you can even grill it for a minute or so on either side, but TBH that’s too much effort for me most of the time.
7. Make Breakfast Tacos
IDGAF if you are an actual former contestant on Worst Cooks in America. It’s impossible to mess up eggs. Scramble some eggs, add avocado and salsa, and stick it all in corn tortillas. Your mom might not be proud of your cooking skills, but at least she’ll be a little less embarrassed to see what your life has become.
8. Eat A Shit Ton Of Fruit
You know what food takes zero effort? Fruit. Like, the hardest one to eat is an orange when you’re trying to peel it in one piece. Start buying fruit and honey instead of Oreos and Twinkies for dessert. Fruit salad can be considered a side at restaurants; therefore, you may consider it part of your dinner. Fruit, obviously, has basically zero calories, and most importantly, it tastes better with wine. A betch has gotta have her priorities straight.
9. Fuck It, Order Delivery
Whatever. This is why God invented Seamless.
