8 Telltale Signs You’re An Asshole

If you’ve ever had to wonder, Hey, am I an asshole? Don’t fret, you probably are. Just in case you can’t quite prove that to yourself entirely, here’s a checklist. If you have more than one of these qualities, congrats. Everyone hates you. Thanks for playing, betches.

1. You keep your read receipts on

I know exactly two people who keep their read receipts on in iMessage: one is my dad, who doesn’t know how to turn them off, and the other is the biggest douche I’ve ever dated. Keeping your read receipts on is worse than just not texting back. It’s totally valid to not text someone back because you’re bored of the convo or just don’t have anything else to say. Keeping your read receipts on, though, is a sure-fire way to let others know you don’t care about them. You’re only doing it to be an asshole. Congrats.

2. You fight with people online

If shit you see on a website or YouTube makes you angry enough to make a comment, you’re probably a horribly maladjusted individual. If you take that rage a step further and actually engage in an argument online, you’re a shitty human. I’m sorry. It’s true and you need to accept that. I’m pretty sure in the history of the Internet, no one has ever changed their opinion on an issue because their Facebook friend took the time to point out he or she was wrong. Stop fighting with people on the Internet, you only look like a bigger asshole than you already are.

3. You have really bad road rage

If someone cuts you off in traffic and you’re still upset about it hours later, you have problems. Betches are notoriously horrible drivers, so we learn to let the horn honking and bird waving slide off our backs and move on with our day. If your road rage impacts more than 5 minutes of any given day, look at your life, look at your choices.

4. You don’t defend your friends

Yeah, sure we all talk shit on our friends from time to time. Usually, that shit talking is to and around other friends. Real jerks will hear other people, as those not in your circle, talking shit on a friend and not say anything. Protect your tribe, losers.

5. You’re flaky

Yeah, we all flake out on plans from time to time. Most people understand that staying in bed usually trumps that 6:00 a.m. workout date you made while drunk on vodka crans. But if it becomes the case that your friends think you’re more likely to flake than not for any given set of plans, you have some issues. If your friends don’t trust you in the least, you can guarantee they’re talking about how shitty you are when they meet up at an event you no-showed.

6. You only ghost or text message break-up

Assholes are the people you’d think would love confrontation most of all, but what makes them the worst is when a situation requires some confrontation to be handled, they ignore it fully. This is why when you date a human suckfest, they usually dump you over text or just ghost you. Assholes don’t have human decency, so they think ending a years-long relationship should be easy and pain-free for one party involved.

7. You’re a cheater

The true asshole light shines when it comes to relationships. As we established in #6, these jerks hate confrontation when it makes them seem like the bad guy. Instead of just breaking up with someone, they cheat on them. If this becomes a pattern, as in, the go-to way you get out of relationships, you’re a pile of human garbage and should probably be incinerated as such.

8. You don’t think you’re an asshole

We don’t applaud the assholes in life for being super self-aware. A person who fits between two and eight of these aforementioned traits probably thinks there’s nothing wrong with them or their actions. This is why they suck. Only you can prevent yourself from getting tied up in a friendship or relationship with these people, so be on the lookout for the telltale signs.


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