College-age betches can black out every night of the week with practically no consequences. Not so much for working betches. You can’t go out on Thursday night, black out, and wake up in another city if you have work the next day. “Okay, so don’t black out” is what Nice Girls and your parents would say, but it’s not that easy. As every true betch knows, once you start blacking out accidentally it gets harder and harder to stop. Soon you’re riding The Blackout Train, and you can’t even leave the pregame without experiencing total memory loss. It’s almost like you have a reverse blackout tolerance, like the more you drink, the less it takes for you to black out. Can anyone from science confirm?
As much as betches love blacking out, not remembering your entire night can be kind of a drag. Like, how do you even know if it was fun or not if you don’t remember? You just kind of assume you had a good time and hope you didn’t do anything life-ruining (meanwhile your friends were annoyed they had to take care of your belligerent/crying/passed out ass). So here’s how to get off the Blackout Express before you end up with a one-way ticket to Hot MessVille.
1. Go Back To Your Roots
As in, be your own inner DARE counselor. The dangers of alcohol are all around you. What would your mom say if she saw you ordering five shots that you intend to take yourself? I mean, sure, this probably won’t stop you from drinking, but it might at least slow you down enough to remember everything tomorrow morning.
2. Count Your Drinks
We all know how easy it can be to go from one drink to one hundred drinks without even realizing it happened. Like, one second you’re ordering your first shot from the cute bartender, the next second you’re seven shots deep crying to your best friend about how the bartender is talking to other girls in front of you. Try keeping a tally of your drinks next time you’re out, and maybe you’ll be able to actually recall said hot bartender’s name next time you show up at his place of work.
3. Slow TF Down
You take your damn time in all other aspects of your life, so why not apply that same principle to drinking? Crazy, I know, but it could actually help you to be a living, breathing human come tomorrow morning. Instead of downing margaritas like there’s no tomorrow, try casually sipping a margarita like there fully is tomorrow and you have like, shit to do. Might help.
4. Go To The Fucking Bathroom
If you need an opportunity for a cool down, the bathroom is always available. Grab the member of your friend group who is most in need of a drunken cry sesh, and haul ass to the ladies’. As an added bonus, regular trips to the bathroom reduce the risk that you’ll drunkenly pee in your sleep later.
5. Consider Switching To Wine
Not that you need an excuse to drink wine, but it’s a lot less likely to irreparably damage your liver than hard liquor. Not that wine can’t also fuck you up. I think we all know that it can.
6. Avoid Shots Like A Fuckboy In A Fedora
If you’re really trying to maintain composure throughout the night, shots are not your friend. They’re basically like, a guaranteed one-way ticket to Blackoutsville. If thats where you’re trying to go (and hey— sometimes that’s where you’re trying to go) then shots are the best way to get there, but if you’d prefer your journey end in Restful Night’s Sleep City, avoid the shot train.
7. Go On Vacation
Vacations are obviously incredibly boozy affairs, but it’s like, a chill level of booziness. Like, rather than pounding shots in the one hour between getting off work and going out, you can just casually drink all day, maintaining both your drunk level and your ability to recall anything that has happened that day. It’s a win/win.