It’s been a long year. This campaign has been brutal, and it’s been impossible to ignore no matter how hard you’ve tried. Now that it’s about to be over, it’s hard to even imagine what we’ll spend time worrying about. Fear not, betches, because there’s plenty of shit we still need to take care of.
Syria – If you haven’t been paying attention, Syria still isn’t so good. We know Gary Johnson doesn’t care much, but Donald and Hillary have both essentially promised to take care of it, so that should be fun. Oh, and there’s the issue of like, a few million refugees that no one wants to accept. It’s great.
Lindsay Lohan – Our favorite BSCB is alive and well in Eastern Europe with a fancy new accent, but we’ll never completely stop worrying about her. We really hope her nightclub in Athens is doing well, and that the Russian Mafia puts a hit on her cheating ex, Egor.
Global Warming – Yeah, this one isn’t going away, no matter what Mike Pence has to say. Be sure to recycle all your bottles and take the train every once in a while, because we really don’t want all the beaches to sink.
Getting Canadian Citizenship – Depending how next week turns out, there might be a pretty long line of people moving to Canada. Find yourself a distant relative or a Green Card husband now, because you want to have a quick way north of the border.
Kesha – Is she okay? Will there be new music? Very unclear, but we’re getting tired of playing “Blow” at every pregame, so a new album would be super clutch. Also Kesha we love you and we hope you’re okay.
The FBI – Apparently the FBI is like, super corrupt, and we’re not sure how we feel about it. Like, if they can go after Hillary, that probably means we could all be arrested at any moment. Hide the drugs, because you never know when James Comey could come knocking at your door.
Kim Kardashian – It’s been over a month now since the robbery, and things are definitely not back to normal. The deleted Facebook posts were the ultimate tease, but we really hope they mean that Kim will be back with a vengeance soon. Who else can shade Taylor Swift as well?