In the real world, verbal language is clear and concise—no means no (unless you’re a straight white guy with a rich father), and yes means yes. But in girl world, when we say we “don’t care”, we’ve already made a decision. When we say “I’m fine,” the repercussions are somewhat similar to World War III. But when we say we’re tired, you better fucking believe we’re actually tired.
Being lazy is a true art form. It’s probably the only skill on my resume, besides idk, Instagram, that I didn’t lie about, and I legitimately pride myself on the ability to strategically get away with doing the bare minimum on a daily basis. But there are few things in this world that are worse than the combination of being lazy and horny. Don’t get me wrong, being on top and taking charge in the bedroom is sexy and empowering, but only when you’re actually feeling sexy and empowered. The other six and a half days of the week, you’re prob covered in zit cream and chip dust hoping he doesn’t come home with his rocket fully prepared for takeoff. So here are some of the best sex positions to make it look like you actually tried without literally lifting a finger. Oh, and you’re fucking welcome.
1. The Spoon
The spoon is OG lazy lovemaking at its finest. It’s actually the best because you’ve mastered this position every single day of your life from about 10pm to 7am. All you need to do is lay on your side with him behind you. Once he enters you, let your hands do the talking. Reach around and grab hold of his thighs, guide his hands to hold your boobs, or better yet, your clit—the fact that you’re taking control with minimal effort is a win-win. Just try not to fall asleep. Or do. Even better.
2. The Curled Spoon
Refer to above spooning position for proper form, except this time around, you’re both activating full fetal position. I only included this on here because since you’re now hugging your knees into your chest, you’re fully incapable of moving any sort of body part lower than your chest. You’re also pushing, like, full-night’s-sleep-after-a-long-ass-weekend comfort levels. Congratulations.
3. Collapsed Doggy Style
If your favorite yoga position is the one where you’re practically unconscious during the last 10 minutes of class, then this one’s for you. And bonus, it’s even got a yoga-y name, so it’s basically like you’re saving $30. All you need is a pillow. Lie on your stomach and elevate your butt with the pillow, and that’s literally all you have to do besides focusing on staying awake. Plus, this is technically an alternative of doggy style, so do this if he won’t get off your (metaphorical—or literal, IDK your life) dick about his incessant need to fuck you from behind.
4. Bootyful View
This is perfect for when you’re feeling lazy AND bloated from your happy hour/
three-year weekend alcohol binge (since his only view will be of your backside), so basically, like any day. Have him sit up on the bed with his legs extended horizontally. Turn around and straddle him (like reverse cowgirl) and extend your legs back so they’re behind him, and your body is between his legs on the bed. Slide up and down while using his legs for leverage. Before you bitch about the logistics going into this position, just think of it as like putting together your Ikea bookshelf. The setup is a fucking nightmare, but you’ll eventually get to enjoy it at the expense of basically nothing. Swearsies.
5. Dirty Dangle
Not to brag, but I’ve mastered this shit when I’m fucked up. Ok I’m for sure bragging. Basically all you have to do is lay on your back at the foot of the bed. Start out in missionary, and when you’re both close to climaxing (if you’re drunk, then good fucking luck with that), start inching toward the edge of the bed until your head, shoulders and arms are hanging backward off the bed. The blood rush will give you an added sensation once you come back up. But chances are, after a night out, you’re basically already hanging off the bed in some form or another, so.
6. The Spider Web
So I lied—I know I said you won’t have to lift a finger with any of these positions, but for this one you’re gonna have to lift a leg, but it’s better than starfishing like a basic bitch. Just lie on your sides and face each other, so for your sake, I hope he’s at least like, a 7. Intertwine your legs through his, and rather than that jack-hammer thrusting bullshit guys think they can get away with, this sexual web requires circular motions and grinding. Yeah, groundbreaking. As an added sensation, reach back and use your nails to lightly scratch his back. But like, demand the favor be returned. Betches don’t work for free.
7. The Chair Face-Off
The downside of Netflix and Chill is that there’s like no point in watching Netflix, since all you’re thinking about is the potential for peen sitting right next to you. The plus side of the chair face-off is that you can Netflix AND chill without having to rewatch what you acted like you attempted to watch the first time. For starters, you’ll need a chair (fucking duh). Have him sit on the chair while you face him and straddle him. If he has a clue, he’ll put his hands on your hips to guide you while using his hips for an added bounce. You’re guaranteed to reach full satisfaction, but that’s like 95% due to the fact that you’re all caught up on Game of Thrones.