The new season of The Bachelorette airs on May 23rd, but ABC gave us all a little taste of the coming shit show last Friday when they released the bios of all 26 contestants. Things I learned reading through each of them: Men are not funny and they have incredibly cliché taste in movies.
I recognize that it’s hard to come across cool and collected in a dating questionnaire, but these five guys managed to fuck up so catastrophically that I am now eagerly looking forward to watching them get their hearts broken by a petite angel on national television. Pro tip for future contestants: cut back on the tight v-necks and The Notebook references.
Occupation: hipster. Translation: poor.
Grant lists his worst date ever as the time he had to listen to a girl talk about Harry Potter for twenty minutes.
Grant is weak. Grant is not worth your time, Jojo. Drop Grant ASAP.
Right off the bat I know that Daniel can’t be trusted, because he lists The Revenant as one of his favorite movies. Leonardo DiCaprio is not going to read your Bachelorette bio, Daniel, so there’s literally no need to lie to America like that.
His biggest dating fear is that the girl won’t look the same in person as she does in her photos. Most women’s biggest dating fear is getting assaulted, but your struggle sounds shitty too, Daniel.
Not once, but TWICE, this guy refers to his body as a Lamborghini. He doesn’t have tattoos, for the “same reason you don’t put stickers on a lambo,” and is down to rock swimwear in public because “why have a lambo if you park it in the garage?” Calm the fuck down, Kim Kardashian. I am looking at your photo and you are a Prius at best.
Strike 1: His name is Chad.
Strike 2: Chad isn’t down for you to black out on the first date, which means Chad can’t fucking hang.
Strike 3: He considers being really, really ridiculously good looking to be his greatest accomplishment.
Strike 4: He said “alright alright alright” but as far as I can tell is not Matthew McCounaghey.
Strike 5-7: Chad is really into the idea of “Chad ten years from now,” which surprises me mostly because he seems like the kind of guy who would tattoo “live for the moment” across his bicep in Sanskrit.
I have a lot of issues with Evan. When asked if he thought himself to be a romantic, his response was, “Yes, I believe I’m in touch with my sexual energy and it’s very powerful and beautiful.” No one asked about your “sexual energy.” No one will ever ask about your sexual energy. I actually hate you for making me read the words sexual energy in succession like that.
His preferred type of dancing is “booty.” What the fuck is booty dancing? Does it make your sexual energy more powerful and beautiful? Were you blacked out when you filled out this questionnaire? If so, you probably won’t get along with Chad.
Evan doesn’t like girls with chipped nail polish, which is super convenient because I don’t like men who demand that I spend $30 so that my fingers meet their arbitrary beauty standards. Other turnoffs include: girls who talk too much, narcissist, clingers and girls with extreme food allergies.
You hear that, ladies? Get your weak-ass peanut-hating DNA away from Evan; his future children will not be burdened by your inferior immune system.
And the icing on this ew-filled cake? Evan’s occupation is—and you can look for yourself if you don’t believe me—Erectile Dysfunction Expert.
Honestly, none of this even matters anyways because Jordan, the pro quarterback and brother to Aaron Rodgers, is obviously going to win. Calling it now, plan your brackets accordingly.