The holiday season is upon us, and I’m already tired of the nonsense happening on my Instagram feed. We’re barely into the month of November, and I’ve seen enough extra-ness to make me want to unsubscribe from everyone for the rest of my goddamn life. Like, it’s one thing to watch Bella Thorne a person be extra all year long, but people take it to the next fucking level during the holiday season. I don’t know if they’re bored from hanging out with their family or just drunk from October 31st through January 2nd, but either way my news feed is like an episode of Are You The One? one giant cry for help. And because I love to talk shit educate the masses, I’ve taken it upon myself to tell you all which of you are pissing me off the least winning at life and which of you need to cancel your holiday Instagrams ASAP. You’re welcome.
1. Turkey Thot Shots
You know the girl I’m talking about here. The one who shows up to the Thanksgiving dinner table in a club dress and thigh-high boots that makes you question the maternity sweat pants Thanksgiving outfit you showed up in and makes your MeMaw question if there is a God. The same girl who takes one look at the dinner her mother slaved over for two whole days and decides its actual purpose is a prop in her thirst trap of an Instagram photo.
There are so many things I want to see on Thanksgiving, like the bottom of my wine bottle and that extra helping of pie. What I don’t want to see is you and your hoe ass tainting the Thanksgiving holiday. Just eat the damn turkey, I beg of you.
2. Anything That Involves Exercise
First of all, how dare you. Thanksgiving is a sacred holiday, one in which the main goal is to worship food and sloth-like behavior. For you to desecrate it with your Turkey Trot marathon is blasphemous. And yes, I’m looking at you, girl who went to my high school and started her own fitstagram account instead of graduating college. The last thing I want to see when I’m three glasses deep by noon and snacking on an actual turkey leg is you and your personal best time, you fucking psycho. Furthermore, no one wants to see your “burn before the bird” workouts. The only calories you should be burning are the calories it takes to roll your fat ass from the dinner table to the couch. THAT’S IT. Anything more and I’m reporting you to Instagram for your personally offensive behavior.
3. Holi-Bae Photo Shoots
I’m confused by the message of these Instagrams. Am I supposed to be jealous of the fact that you blackmailed your boyfriend into submission wearing an ugly Santa sweater to compliment your “Ho Ho Ho” one? Am I supposed to think you’re so supported in your relationship because you somehow managed to convince your boyfriend that wearing matching onesies isn’t emasculating and embarrassing? Because I’ve never felt more secure in my relationship with my Netflix account in my whole damn life. Also, god bless the poor soul you held hostage for 45 minutes while you posed in front of the fireplace, the Christmas tree, and that sad excuse of a snowman you just built. It’s hard to say who the real winner in this scenario is: you, for taming the fuckboy who once sent you the text, “My girlfriend doesn’t have to know,” and who is now your prisoner of war devoted boyfriend, or her, the girl who doesn’t have to impress anyone at family gatherings except the person pouring her wine glass? It’s a real Sophie’s Choice.
4. Anything That Makes A Children’s Holiday Mildly Sexual
I’m not going to name names here *cough* Ariel Winter *cough cough* but certain celebs have made it their personal mission in life to turn a holiday devoted to children’s happiness into their own personal thot playground, and I won’t fucking stand for it any longer. I can tolerate your extra AF workout Instas and the fact that I have seen more of your body than I have my own, but I’ve got to draw the line somewhere, and I’m drawing it at Santa’s slut your Holiday Christmas card. Sorry, Ariel. And if you’re thinking to yourself, “But I’m just full of so much holiday cheer! It’s innocent! Don’t judge me!” then let’s look at the evidence for a minute, shall we? Which of these screams, “innocent holiday fun,” and which of these screams, “my daddy had nothing to say about my butterfly tattoo”?
Apparently it’s both.
5. New Year, New Me
Let’s get one thing straight here: There is no “new you” on January 1st, there’s just a you who really needs a new liver. The “New Year, New Me” Instagram is perhaps the most pathetic of all holiday Instas, because you know the person posting it will regret it literally 12 hours later. What was a hopeful motto at 8pm will inevitably turn into regret six hours of drinking André on tap and calling your ex-boyfriend from five years ago to tell him that you miss him, while simultaneously Googling, “where is the pizza?” Now, am I guilty of posting the “New Year, New Me” selfie? Yes. But am I guilty of doing what was just described in that above scenario? Also yes. But that’s neither here nor there. No, leave your positivity and your good intentions off my Instagram feed, because I don’t want to see that shit on a day that I’m dedicated to spending reveling in a cycle of self hatred on new beginnings.
Images: Freestocks.org / Unsplash; Giphy (5)