In case you haven’t actively been counting down the days in your calendar until the Riverdale premiere (hi), then let me just educate you real quick because season two airs in exactly one week. That’s right, people: We only have to wait ONE MORE WEEK until we’re back in our favorite small town with the largest population of hot gingers known to man. Ah, it feels good to be home. If you know anything about me then you know that I stalk the entire cast on Instagram am a fan of the show and also make it my personal mission to make everyone else in my life a fan of the show through blunt force the power of suggestion. So if you’re not down to listen to me discuss in-depth the pros and cons of a fictional character clown then you should probs close out of this article, because I’m about to go zero to 100 real fucking quick.
When season one ended last spring, I was left with a lot of unanswered questions, like did anyone die in that shooting at Pop’s? (Fingers crossed it’s only Luke Perry.) Did Cheryl somehow manage to save her River Vixen uniform along with her entire fabulous wardrobe from the fire after burning her life to the ground? Did Jughead get past second base with Betty in that trailer? Because if so, they better fucking show it. These are the questions that keep me up at night. But perhaps the most important question posed at the end of season one—the one that I 100 percent need answers to ASAP—is this: Will Archie ever stop being the fucking worst?
I know this might be an unpopular opinion because Archie is one hot, fine piece of ginger ass an important character on the show but, like, he fucking sucks. Which is kind of hard to do when you’re the lead of a show that’s about your own fucking life. But I guess if Kim K can do it, then so can a 19-year-old with a bad dye job. Don’t believe me? Well, lucky for you, I literally have nothing better to do with my life than discuss this show, so here are the 5 times that definitively prove Archie is the worst part of his own damn show.
1. That One Time He Banged His Teacher
Archie banging his teacher was probs the least memorable thing to happen all season, but it was still a huge fucking shock when we first found out about it. For one, it was creepy AF. Archie only ever referred to her as “Miss Grundy” even though she looked like she could also be in the 11th grade. For two, screwing his teacher led him to hear some shit that was pertinent to Jason Blossom’s murder investigation, and HE DIDN’T FUCKING COME FORWARD WITH IT. At least not until Jughead made him feel like shit and threatened to out his definitely illegal relationship with Miss Grundy, as a good friend does. Only then did Archie talk to the police about the gunshots he heard while he was finding his sound working on his music railing Mrs. Grundy in the park. What’s worse is that he made it seem like it was his idea the whole time and not like he was morally blackmailed by his friends to do the right thing and help solve a devastating murder. I see right through you, Red. Right. Through. You.
2. Every Time He Brought Up His Music When Literally No One Asked Him To
When I first found out Archie was going to be the sensitive jock type who struggles between two parts of himself, his love of music and his love of sports, I rolled my eyes so far in the back of my head I was afraid they might permanently stay that way. But I was willing to give him a chance because he’s pretty and I like when he takes off his shirt I believe in him. That is, until started bringing up his music every five seconds when literally no one asked him to. The first time this happened he started jamming at his lunch table, which is personally offensive to me. My lunch hour is the time I take for myself to shovel as much food into my mouth as possible in 60 minutes or less, while also talking shit about everyone who spoke to me before coffee wronged me that morning. And, Archie, how can your friends talk shit about you and your weird obsession with music when you’re at the table crooning nonsense?
Tbh anytime he made anyone listen to his music ever was truly a crime against humanity. Archie The Musician was a HUGE plot point throughout the first season and, similar to The CW’s Hot Ginger Agenda, they were heavily trying to push Archie being the next John Mayer down our throats. And, look, he isn’t a bad singer (thanks to auto tune voice lessons, I’m sure) but he just took himself far too seriously. Like, Lucas-Scott-An-Unkindness-Of-Ravens seriously. While Archie was off complaining about how no one takes his “craft” seriously, people are dying left and right, families are being torn apart, the River Vixens are having v intense dance-offs. But sure, let me just take a second to give a shit about you and your burgeoning music career, Archie. It’s like he doesn’t even realize he’s a pretty white dude with a semi-decent voice and better-than-decent abs. You’ll be fine, Archie. You know who will not be fine? Polly and the unborn twins she carries that were fathered by her cousin. HER COUSIN. Those are real problems, Arch. Gtfo.
3. When He Dated Anyone On The Show Ever
Archie is the resident heartthrob fuckboy on Riverdale, and as such he tries to profess his love stick his dick in anyone who seems mildly interested in his music and has a vagina. Ladies, we’ve got a real winner on our hands right here. First, he’s all into Miss Grundy. Then he moves on to Valerie, because she makes an offhanded comment about his music and that’s what gets him hard. He gets Val to help him with his music by flashing his abs (I assume), which sets off a chain of events that includes Valerie losing her spot with The Pussy Cats and alienating herself from all her friends. Once she has nothing and no one in her life but Archie, he ditches her to make out with Cheryl because she promised to get him into band camp. I paraphrase. Then he drunkenly fucks around with Veronica at his house party because she’s there and wearing a crop top that emphasizes her daddy issues. (Sidenote: Where did you get that shirt, girl? Asking for a friend…) The worst part about Archie is that he’s a fuckboy that thinks he isn’t. He’s genuinely shocked every time a girl seems pissed that he ditched her for someone hotter and/or with better connections in the music industry. His lack of self awareness is truly shocking something I see literally every day on Bumble.
^^10/10 would still slide in his DMs tbh
4. That Time He Tried To Low-Key Get With Betty
Speaking of fuckery, remember at the beginning of the season when Betty was super into Archie but he didn’t think she’d let him get past first base wasn’t into her? And then Betty started dating Jughead and gave me a reason to live? Yeah, good times. Do you also remember that moment at the end of season one when Archie gets bored playing with Veronica’s emotions and decides to fuck with Betty’s head instead? Do you?!
ARCHIE: *sees Betty happy with someone else* Hey, Betty, do you ever, like, think about us at all? Because I do.
BETTY: You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.
Honestly, Betty, RUN. Do not fucking fall for this ginger with an angelic face. And I swear to god, if these two get together in season two, I will protest day and night until the writers get their shit together but still 100 percent show up every Wednesday to watch.
HANDS, ARCHIE. Where are your hands! You better watch yourself, Red, because I will cut you if you get in the way of my happiness fav Riverdale couple.
5. When They Discovered Who Murdered Jason Blossom
Lastly, let’s just take a second to talk about that monumental scene at the end of season one where the Riverdale crew find out who murdered Jason Blossom. We’d been on the edge of our seats all fucking season waiting to find out who killed Jason, and then it’s revealed that it was Jason’s own father—the lunatic faking red hair—and everyone is pretty damn shook. During that scene, Jughead and Betty both look broken, like their whole worlds have been shattered. Veronica looks as upset as I do when I take a look at my bank statement, and Kevin looks like he’s 3.5 seconds from having a mental breakdown. Basically everyone is showing an appropriate amount of emotion about finding out there’s a murderer in their midst. Everyone except for fucking Archie.
Jesus fucking Christ. You had one job, Archie. ONE. To look like you gave a shit about finding out who murdered your classmate, and instead you look like you just realized you forgot to flush a massive shit. No, it’s clear that Archie is good for one thing and one thing only:
Just keep playing to your strengths, kid.
