It’s Friday, you head home after having
one six too many vodka sodas, and the munchies start to hit. You pass an all-night pizza place. You pass the diner. You REALLY want nachos, and if given the opportunity you’ll probably inhale a whole plate because you somehow believed your friends wouldn’t judge you, LOL. But the problem isn’t really that your friends will think you’re a fatass, it’s that your body and waistline will seek revenge on you the next day. Here are the top things you end up reaching for when you’re drunk, and what you should fill your grubby little fingers with instead.
Some (correct) people believe that nachos are the perfect food. They somehow manage to combine ALL of the food groups without being gross. However, they do this with billions of calories (probs) and the ability to make your hangover a whole lot worse thanks to all the salt, dairy, and spicy shit you’ve got going on there.
DO: Baked Tortilla Chips
Are they fucking boring? Yes, but having a few tortilla chips dipped in either guacamole or hummus definitely won’t make your hangover worse … and you need to accept that at this level of drunk, it’s already gonna be preeeetty bad. Bonus: avocados help you debloat! Guacamole truly is the glue that holds my life together. Do NOT reach for the salsa, as anything spicy can upset your stomach badly when you’re captaining the failboat. Remember: Alcohol makes everything worse—or, better temporarily and then much, much worse.
Salt and alcohol are besties, but when they mix together in your stomach, it’s a cat fight worse than Cash Me Ousside Girl vs. Dr. Phil. Not only will the salt in your fries further dehydrate you, it’ll bloat your gut to unfathomable proportions and make that skin tight crop top you’re wearing look like it’s a dish towel meant to dry a beached whale. Not sorry. Avoid this shit at all costs.
Weird, but yes. If you’re craving something carby, go the sweeter route and make yourself some waffles. All that bready goodness will soak up those tequila shots enough that, just maybe, you can sober up and tell your boyfriend you didn’t mean to throw up on his lap.
Alcohol and pizza go together like Bey and Jay, peanut butter and jelly, molly and raves. However, stuffing your face with an ultimate meat pizza is going to give you heartburn, an acidic stomach, and some other discomforting shit you can learn about by reading the back of a Pepto bottle. The more tomato sauce is on said pizza, the worse it’ll be, too.
DO: Cheese Tortellini Or Ravioli
NEVER would we EVER steer you TOWARD carbs and cheese, but in the case of being blackout, we understand that sometimes the pull is too strong. The carbs will soak up some of that pesky alcohol, and the cheese, well, I mean, we really love cheese so whatever. Remember, NO tomato sauce unless you want bad shit to happen.
So you thought you’d be cute and healthy and see how many Halos you could shove into your mouth at one time. Enjoy your blowout diarrhea and/or citrus-flavored vomit tomorrow. The acid in citrus can fuck with your stomach something awful, so avoid this AND orange juice at all costs.
In this interest of impressing everyone at a party with how much you can fit in your mouth, opt for everyone’s fav dick-shaped fruit—a banana. The potassium can help that whole dehydration thing AND you’ll definitely be the most popular girl at the party based on how slowly you can eat said banana.
DON’T: Peanut Butter
I know … and I’m sorry. Peanut butter can make your drunk self feel sicker, since just 2 tbsps are about 190 calories AND extremely high in fat. Eating that then laying down is a one-way ticket to bathroom town.
Betches LOVE hummus. If you’re going the wholesome route with your blackout, reach for the Sabra instead of the Jiff or Skippy. It’s still fairly high in fat, but not as much as nut butters (lol sorry).