It’s safe to say that by this point in the sexual misconduct revelations revolution, no one is safe. And by no one, I mean no woman is safe because we never have been, and no male actor is safe because legit everyone appears to be somewhere on the sexual predator spectrum. (It’s like the Kinsey scale, except instead of who you want to sleep with, it’s your likelihood of pulling your dick out without consent.) TBH we should probably stop looking up to any famous men, because sexual misconduct appears to be the most common side effect of celebrity.
But while it definitely feels like it’s time to re-write our list of favorite movies and TV shows to include only those with strong female leads, I am still holding onto some shred of hope that not every male actor/comedian/TV host is a sexual harasser. Because if I have to throw out any more of my favorite DVDs because
Kevin Spacey the star is a disgusting piece of shit, I’m going to lose it. So to Hollywood and the year 2017, I beg of you: Please don’t let any of the following precious men also be pigs. We need some good ones on our screens in our lives.
1. Tom Hanks
Is there anyone more wholesome than Forrest Gump? Tom Hanks even made a friendship with a volleyball seem endearing. Look, I know Rita Wilson is a badass betch so I doubt she would stand for any bullshit, but if one day I have to boycott You’ve Got Mail or A League of Their Own when it’s on basic cable because Tom Hanks is ruined, I’ll die. I’ll just die.
2. Ryan Gosling
girl gross male entitlement, don’t destroy our favorite meme actor. I may or may not have a recurring dream in which Ryan’s Dirty Dancing-ing me like he did in Crazy Stupid Love while he whispers feminist sweet nothings in my ear. My dreams would literally be crushed if it turns out he’s a creep—so just no, please. He’s Canadian though, so it’s pretty unlikely. They ask permission and apologize for everything…right?
3. Jeff Goldblum
I know he plays a really great creep in the movies, but IRL he is everyone’s favorite uncle/jazz musician/dinosaur scientist. Like a fine
George Clooney wine, he gets better with age, and I just couldn’t take it if someone gave me a legitimate reason to take him off my “exception list”. P.S. remember when he posed in someone’s dino themed wedding photos? Ugh, I love him.
4. Channing Tatum
I’m hoping that his experience of being objectified by women as a stripper in south Florida would make this pretty unlikely, but it’s 2017 and he does have a penis, so anything terrible is possible. But Channing and Jenna Dewan Tatum are legit couple goals and I’m counting on the fact that Beyoncé would never step foot on stage with him unless he was anything but perfect, so I think we’re good here.
5. Alex Trebek
I’ll take “entirely unacceptable” for $600, please. Trebek has graced our screens for what feels like centuries now and joins only Tom Selleck in the club of men who look better WITH a mustache. He’s the only person that can make me feel simultaneously stupid AND cared for—and generations of women, aspiring Jeopardy! contestants, and the best SNL sketch of all time would be devastated if he turned out to be anything but completely (and consentually) huggable.