Today, the internet has caught fire mocking an article by a “relationship expert” named Dan Bacon called “How To Talk To A Woman Who Is Wearing Headphones.” Despite being published in October of 2013, the outrage is for a very good reason—as we all know, women are notoriously bad at knowing and expressing what it is they, women, want. Look, we wouldn’t need feminism if men didn’t have to explain things to you all the time.
Case in point, headphones. While thousands across the womenternet are busy building Burning Man-worthy strawmen like “the headphones obviously mean I don’t want to be bothered,” or “maybe I don’t want to get hit on while I’m going to work,” the truth is obvious. By wearing headphones, you’re pretty clearly conveying that you like input from external stimuli, so much so that you’ve inserted some directly into your earholes. With that in mind, what are the sweet sounds of The Chainsmokers compared to the uncomfortable and unsolicited closeness of a potential suitor? How can an audio version of the new Harry Potter book (nerd) stack up to some sensual negging by a strange man in a public place?
Mr. Bacon had some good ideas, but as with fat-shaming and catcalling, women have misunderstood the benefits of his approach. Here are some better tips for approaching women with headphones. Share these with the men in your life so that they (and by extension, the women soon to be in their lives) may know love.
How to Get Her Attention
1. Stand to the side of her (with 1 to 1.5 meters between you). Peripheral vision is strongest at night, which is the best time to approach headphoned women.
2. Make yourself appear as large as you can. Open your jacket if you have one, and gather any small children with you into your arms. Always try to take higher ground, if possible.
3. If she hasn’t noticed you, do a sexy dance (see: Adam Levine in the video for “Moves Like Jagger”)
4. Learn American Sign Language, if you haven’t already. You’ll need this to indicate that you want her to remove her headphones. Sign this confidently, punctuating your words with hip thrusts.
5. Play dead. This will acknowledge and heighten the awkwardness of the encounter. As long as she has no cubs nearby, she will no longer see you as a threat and move on to the nearest berry bush or beehive.
I am confident that as this advice circulates, you’ll find yourself wearing headphones even without music, just to increase your chances of meeting the man of your dreams.