I’ve never been an “America, fuck yeah” type of person, but if there’s an unhealthy amount of Bud Light, fireworks, and drunken swimming involved, fuck yeah, you can count me in. Even if it means pretending I know how old America is (it’ll be 241 years old, btw, not 2,017 I just Googled it to be sure, idiot). Since I barely remember what the Declaration of Independence is—like sorry, I don’t even remember last night—I’ll resort to wearing a semi-patriotic outfit just for this one day. I respect all of the time and effort people have put in to give us greedy Americans like, the rules of feminism, the right to basically live, and all that shit, so I’m not going to dress like a wannabe slutty Wonder Woman.
Looking at you, Lady Gaga and Beyoncé…
Yeah uh…that’s def not what Betsy Ross had in mind when she designed the American flag. You want to be trashed, not look like trash. This means do not wear your sorority/fave fraternity’s stars and stripes letters, a denim skirt that might show your vag, or a muscle tank that screams white trash. You don’t want a passive-aggressive Facebook status written about you, do you? And if you’re thinking of wearing an American flag bikini, you’re dead to me. Since it’s basically only a week away and we need to keep online shipping in mind, here’s what you should wear for America’s birthday bash if you don’t want the Founding Fathers to regret starting America in the first place.
1. L’AGENCE Cynthia Off The Shoulder Top
You don’t want to get a really dressy shirt for outdoorsy shit, i.e. day drinking and barbecuing, but you don’t want anything too casual either. This white top is perfect for tucking into your favorite high waisted denim shorts and since it’s not plastered with America, you can wear it multiple times a year. It’s classy with a hint of slutty since it’s form-fitting and slightly revealing. You’ll probs be drinking from day to night so the long sleeves will keep you warm if it gets chilly.
2. Topshop Flag Ripped Mom Shorts
Flag themed shorts are cute (I guess) since they show how much you love America, but they can also be worn to other events like all those cheesy country festivals. The length of these shorts in particular is pretty ideal because they don’t show your ass cheeks (no one wants to see them anyway, honestly). But I can’t say you won’t be lectured by your grandparents because like, how dare you wear the flag on your butt. Let me live.
3. Lovers + Friends Ocean Tides One Piece
Sport a versatile one piece swimsuit if swimming, or pretending to, is on the agenda for festivities. Wear a solid color without looking over-the-top and desperate like Taylor Swift. Pair with your fave high rise denim shorts to easily take your look to and from the water.
4. Paper London Treacle Dress
If you’re beaching it in the Hamptons or somewhere equally classy AF, wear this trendy day dress with nude wedges or low heel sandals—no stilettos or 6 inch pumps because you’re not trying to stumble around all night. It comes in black and white stripes, but who the hell can tell the difference? Just tell everyone it’s navy blue and call it a day.
5. Aldo Lolla Block Heels
Whether you’re strolling in and out of bars or embarrassing yourself at a family gathering on the Fourth, you’ll want shoes that look like you put in some sort of effort, but that won’t make you uncomfortable and have you make a fool out of yourself (although you’ll probably do that already). Use this block heel for your pop of white with any outfit you decide on. Plus, you’ll be gaining another pair of cute shoes that you can wear out again.
6. Charming Charlie Uncle Sam Choker Necklace Set
Accessorize with these fun, simple chokers you can wear all together or mix and match. Wearing shit on your head makes you look like a try-hard and/or unnecessarily extra. Pair with a red lip and you’re set to get star, spangled, hammered in style.
7. Waving American Flag Pool Float
Lastly, to guarantee those triple likes on Insta, make sure to do a sexual pose with a (v extra) waving American flag pool float, but without going full Ariel Winter. Cheers to living in a free country that’s obsessed with quality fast food and shit. May your hand always be holding a beer because like, ‘Merica.
