As some of you may know, we’ve recently decided that our dearly beloved Ariel Winter has gone and gotten her life together. Boo, you whore. While on the one hand we’re proud of her for starting to cover up her
abandonment issues butt crack on Instagram, on the other hand I’m personally feeling a little victimized by her decision to get her shit together. I mean, who am I supposed to anonymously mock on the internet now if the girl who declared “happy Memorial Day” with a bikini pic is, like, actually making healthy life choices? Hmm?? While we’ll always have Bella Thorne as a cautionary tale to both shock and entertain us with her antics on IG, there’s only so much I can take of her doing bath salts and taking pictures in her underwear before I’m just, like, sad for her. Ya know? But never fear, where there’s an iPhone, there will always be a way for girls to act out their daddy issues on the internet. Blessings. That’s right, people, there’s a new generation of thirsty in town and I see it as my journalistic duty to bring those thirst traps out of the Valencia filter and into your lives. You’re so welcome.
So here’s a list of the new class of thirst traps for your personal viewing pleasure.
Name: Lennon Stella
How You Know Her: As the bratty older daughter on Nashville
Thirstiest Attribute: Tattooing the word “fragile” on her underboob
I’m going to ease you into this list with the least thirsty thirst trap you’ll read about here: one Miss Lennon Stella, formerly of Nashville, and currently of testing Instagram’s nudity policy. Lennon has come a long way from playing Connie Britton’s bratty TV daughter. And by “a long way” I mean “has now had enough plastic surgery to make her almost unrecognizable”. While her Instagram photos don’t overtly scream “my daddy missed my third grade dance recital,” just wait until you take a closer look. In between artsy shots of her
lip injections daily life, she has strategically placed selfies of her ass and underboob disguised as “self-expression.” Lennon, Lennon, Lennon. That sort of self-expression should only be reserved for fucking up your ex-boyfriend’s new relationship by sliding into his DMs. That’s it. I worry that, like the Bellas and Ariels of the world, Lennon might also be going the way of former child stars. Well, if she moves in with her 35-year-old unemployed boyfriend, then we know she’s turned. Stay vigilant, folks.
Name: Madison Beer
How You Know Her: From YouTube, apparently
Thirstiest Attribute: Getting Justin Bieber to slide into her DMs
So apparently Madison Beer is not (just) known for stealing her outfits from the sets of a naughty school girl porno? Huh. The more you know. After literally typing her name into Google, I’ve learned that Madison is a singer (??) and that Justin Bieber once tweeted about her YouTube video, which is why she now she has 10 million followers and a record deal. And here I thought she earned her following from her good looks and being born after the year 1997. It’s good to know it’s just from humanity bowing to Justin Bieber’s will. *Looks to sky for guidance* Follow Madison if you’re feeling nostalgic for Ariel’s newly emancipated days on social media. You know, when it was just a free-for-all of bra tops and underwear disguised as jean shorts. A simpler time, if you will.
Name: Anastasia Karanikolaou
How You Know Her: As Kylie Jenner’s third-tier friend
Thirstiest Attribute: Using her dad as a prop in her thirst trap
Some of you may remember Anastasia “Stassie Baby” Karanikolaou as Kylie Jenner’s third-tier friend. Apparently getting out-ranked by Jordyn Woods left a permanent stain on her soul, because now she’s taken her talents to the beautiful cesspool known as Instagram. On any given day, Stassie can be found flaunting the body god—and her plastic surgeon—gave her while using her own father as a human prop for her to do so. Because, yes, THAT’S HER FATHER she and her crop top are propped on. I have a feeling when Stassie calls him “daddy” it’s less in the biologically related way and more in the way all of America whispered it to their TV screens Monday night watching Chadwick Boseman at the Met Gala. Also, my dad would faint if he saw me, a 26-year-old woman, flash any semblance of underboob or cleavage in a photo that popped up on his Facebook feed, so I shiver to think what would happen if I were to wear such an outfit in his presence and while SITTING ON HIS FUCKING LAP. That’s a bold move, Stassie. The fact that she looked at this photo and the only thoughts that ran through her mind were “this looks normal” is the reason she deserves to be on the list. I’d expect nothing less. So, bravo, Stassie. Keep up the good work.
Name: Demi Rose Mawby
How You Know Her: As Tyga’s replacement Kylie
Thirstiest Attribute: Her entire damn IG
Remember when Kylie dumped Tyga and mere days later he was spotted out with Kylie’s long-lost British twin? Well, that was Demi Rose Mawby. Lol I bet you thought you’d seen the last of her. As if this bitch would fade into obscurity after getting caught in the Kardashian/Jenner orbit for five fucking seconds. Demi seems to be dedicated to her career pursuits of becoming the poor man’s Kylie Jenner by “modeling” on Instagram. Tbh I’m not entirely convinced that my work computer hasn’t been flagged for inappropriate content just by pulling up her IG. Out of all of these thirst traps, Demi is definitely the most likely to follow in Ariel’s footsteps. Case in point, Demi has recently become the new darling of The Daily Mail’s Snapchat stories, which was a role Ariel used to occupy almost exclusively. Further evidence that supports my claim includes Demi’s affinity for wearing shirts that barely conceal her areolas and dating old-ass men. Demi, you’re doing amazing, sweetie!
Well, there you have it. Welcome to the next generation of thirsty. Feel free to follow these girls if you a) feel like getting pulled into HR for looking at soft-core porn during work hours, b) want to lament the downfall of society’s youth, or c) need outfit inspo for your next dick appointment. My work here is done.