Here Are Your Horoscopes For 2018

It’s a new fucking year, betches! Time to keep kicking ass and taking names. As we drink to forget whatever bullshit went down in 2017, let’s look ahead to all the wonderful things to come for us in 2018. Here’s what to expect during your next best year. Cheers.

Aries

Watch for snakes in the year ahead. Neptune remains in your house of privacy and secrets during 2018. Someone from your past who has the ability to play with your emotions will re-emerge in your life during the year. Note to self: the fuckboy who ghosted you will not become your husband, so don’t even with him. The stars this year are all pointing toward your future, so there’s nothing for you in the past. Anyway, on a lighter note, your year really focuses on your career and creativity. Who knows, maybe you’ll find a way to combine the two so you’re not so entirely fucking miserable at the office in 2018.

Taurus

Starting in 2018, and continuing for the next two years, Saturn places focus on your career. Not to say that relationships and fun shit won’t go down, but that’s probably not where the universe wants you to place your attention. You’ll be focusing on what the fuck it is you want to do with your life. If you’ve already figured that out, it’s a good time to see how far you can climb. This whole year is a period of change for you. Yeah, we know, Taurus betches usually shy away from the unknown, but you’ll be pleasantly surprised to see where you end up by 2019.

Gemini

Change is in the air for you, Gemini betch. As an air sign, your 2018 horoscope indicates the year will be a time of transition. What is and is not working out for you will emerge. You’ll see your path with more clarity and you’ll probably drink more tea and lemon water. Nice. Five eclipses during the new year will have a major impact on your life. They’ll circle around your friendships and relationships. Two of the five will occur in Leo, a sign that’s sexually compatible with yours. You know what that means—get ready to up your numbers in the year ahead.

Cancer

There’s great news for your love life in 2018. The transition of Jupiter into Scorpio back in October of 2017 will continue to affect your love life in the new year for the better. This means you won’t take things too seriously in the next year. Even if you’re in a relationship, it won’t be, like, sappy and cringey. More likely, any relationship you’re in during 2018 will be fun, light and flirty. I can’t promise you world peace in 2018, but I can promise a lot of flirting. Same thing, right?

Leo

The lunar eclipse on January 31 will hit the reset button on your life. That means you can put off following through on those resolutions until February. You know, the month you realize that spring break is barreling toward you and you need to drop that winter weight so you don’t feel like a beached whale on your upcoming Cabo trip. Also, the choices you make over the year will be really telling of who you are. Overall, your year is about clearing the decks and getting back to what makes you feel happiest and the most genuine version of yourself. Just try not to be annoying about it.

Virgo

Your 2018 is going to focus on the routine. Sure, that sounds like a pretty shitty and boring horoscope, but it’s really the things you do every day that make up your year, right? If you want to get out of some disgusting habits like smoking or hooking up with fuckboys, you should honestly re-make that commitment to yourself every single day. In the year ahead, be prepared to give a lot of advice. The solar eclipse in Cancer on July 12 makes others see you as a leader and inspiration. Basically, try not to be a shitty example for the youth in 2018.

Libra

The scales of justice weigh heavy on a Libra betch’s mind in 2018. If you thought social and political issues got you fired up in 2017, just wait to see what the new year has in store. And, yes, basically all white dudes and politicians will be back on their bullshit. Luckily for you, the scales are also a symbol of balance for your sign. You’ll find more time to work out, strengthen your inner peace, and take your horoscope very seriously. What a year for you!

Scorpio

You aren’t the most selfless sign in the zodiac, so why start now? For the first 11 months of 2018, or, basically all year, Jupiter is in your first house of “self.” That means you can see through the bullshit of others in order to focus on Number One. Your ruling planet, Pluto, combined with Saturn’s focus gives you a clear picture of what you want to achieve in 2018. As long as one of those things isn’t running a marathon and being really annoying about it on social media, we should get along just fine in the new year.

Sagittarius

People don’t know you for being a shady betch. You usually keep things out in the open. Like, what do you have to hide, right? Well, ever since your ruling planet, Jupiter, moved into your 12th house of secrets and behind-the-scenes actions back in October, there’s been more and more you want to keep under wraps. I don’t see you being as extra on social media in the new year. In fact, most of the important shit will happen once you put down the phone and start living a real life and not a digital one.

Capricorn

Your 2018 is all about the clean break. You need to throw out shit that is cluttering your life and probably unfollow a few exes on social media. In the new year, you’ll also feel like you’ve developed a heightened sense of intuition. You’ll know when a shady bitch is about to be shady before the shade even starts! As the sign of intellect, your wit combined with your sixth sense will guide you through basically all the shit that could come up in the year ahead.

Aquarius

So the stars can’t promise you a completely amazing year. There’s def going to be some ups and downs. Impulsive Mars’ extensive stay in your first house will make the first half of the year a super interesting time for you. In fact, the universe is going to push you outside of the comfort zone, which is probably what you need so you don’t become a bore-whore. Also, it’s really important that you take the advice you give in 2018. Like, if you’d advise your friend to ditch her shitty boyfriend in order to make a cool move for a new job, you can take that advice too.

Pisces

It’s all about relationships for you, Pisces. In 2018, Neptune, your ruling planet, continues to intensify your psychic Pisces senses. That intuition will guide you through romantic, personal and professional relationships in the new year. Plan on following your heart if you’re already in a relationship. Don’t let outside forces persuade you differently from what you’re actually feeling. Your friends might be telling you to get single again because they’re jealous AF of the time you spend with your BF. If you’re single, use the friendly vibes from solar eclipse on July 12 to get set up with someone you might not pick on your own.

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