This week, the entire Republican Party descended on Cleveland for their big Presidential Convention. Well, not the entire Party. In this year of Trump, some notable GOP names chose to stay away, including every member of the Bush family and the last two GOP Presidential candidates, Romney and McCain. But even without the trophy case of white guys in attendance, there was still plenty to talk about.
You’ve probably heard all about Melania’s plagiarism fiasco by now, but we had to bring it up. Especially because it happened on the first night, it was a major signal to Trump skeptics that this whole thing might be a mess. Also, what the fuck were the sleeves on her dress? Idk what they wear to these things in Slovenia, but they looked like silk pool floaties.
Parade of Losers
This week, we got to see lots of familiar faces of those who couldn’t coordinate a group text fast enough to do something about Trump. Highlights included Chris Christie’s witch-hunt-turned-mock-trial of Hillary Clinton, and Marco Rubio’s play-it-safe-for-2020 prerecorded video message. Oh, and Ben Carson looked asleep and compared Hillary to Lucifer. Yes, like the Devil.
Speaking of losers, reject birthday clown Ted Cruz gave a lengthy speech on the third night, also seen as a way to prep himself for a potential run in 2020. Things were going well, until the crowd realized he wasn’t going to suck it up and endorse Trump. The entire crowd started loudly booing him, and Donald walked into the arena just in time to make it on camera acting like he didn’t care. Cruz basically dominated the news cycle for the next day, but it’s unclear whether this show of defiance helped or hurt him. Either way, we still think he’s the fucking Zodiac Killer.
This week, Trump named former Apprentice contestant Omarosa as his Director of African American Outreach. It’s good that Trump knows he has a problem with black voters, but Omarosa is an interesting choice. Her claim to fame is literally being a bitch, which we’re fine with, but we’re not sure her…um…cuntiness will translate to black voters.
On Thursday night, Trump accepted his nomination, which means this nightmare really won’t be over until November (at least). Trump’s speech (the longest since 1972) went more than 35 minutes over time, most of which was added by him standing there with a shit-faced grin while the crowd chanted “U-S-A.” Chill the fuck out Republicans, save that shit for the Olympics.
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