Welcome to the Betchocracy 2016, where every week we’ll be breaking down the top stories from the 2016 Presidential campaign. Buckle up, because November 8th is still a long way away. The Iowa Caucus, however, is on February 1st, so everyone is eager to make some big moves before it’s too late.
If you’ve been paying any attention to the campaign so far, you probably know that the Republican primary field is a god damn fucking shitty mess. After seven months of intense campaigning, there are still 11 candidates, and their collective favorite pastime is just flinging shit at each other. This week, Huffington Post put together an amazing graphic that documents all the accusations made, and their headline was appropriate: “CLUSTERF#$K.” There are a lot of great insults happening here, but a personal favorite is the discussion of Marco Rubio’s boots.
THOSE ARE THE UGLIEST EFFING BOOTS I’VE EVER SEEN
This week, photos were posted online of Marco Rubio wearing some black leather boots that had like a two-inch heel, and he was immediately the butt of every joke from sea to shining sea. Ted Cruz tweeted “A vote for Marco Rubio is a vote for men’s high-heeled booties.” Carly Fiorina tweeted a picture of her own boots, asking Marco if he could “rock these.” Rand Paul said he felt underdressed on The View. Morning Joe called the boots “shagalicious.” So basically everyone is fucking obsessed with Marco’s shoes and needs to take a Xanax.
Speaking of Xanax, it seems like Jeb Bush has taken one too many during his campaign. He was widely expected to be a frontrunner, but now he’s down to like sixth place after being criminally boring all fall. Jeb is clearly a little unsure of what to do, because when asked to compare himself to Chris Christie at a town hall in New Hampshire, he started by saying “Well, I think I’m much better-looking.” Sorry Jeb, but if anything is going to save you from losing all the primaries, it’s not going to be your devilish good looks. You’re 62 and your family bears a striking resemblance to monkeys, so cool it. Also, a steaming pile of Hillary Clinton’s shit is probably better-looking than Chris Christie.
TO THE LEFT, TO THE LEFT
If you’re looking for drama, you’ll probably want to stick to the Republican side for now. Hillary and Bernie are mostly keeping to themselves right now, and that’s unlikely to change much until the first primaries happen at the beginning of February. Right now, their safest strategy is just to laugh at everything Donald Trump says and watch the campaign donations roll in. On Thursday, there was major news when Planned Parenthood announced it would endorse Hillary. This is the first time PP has ever endorsed a candidate, which could make a difference in the primaries.