Betches Love This Movie: What’s Your Number?

Honestly, we walked into this movie soo fucking excited to rip it apart and mock the collagen in Anna Farris' upper lip from now until the rapture. But no, this turned out to be the one time we wrongly judged a book by its cover an actress by her botched botox.

Like we mentioned in #93 sexual mapping, keeping track of one's number is common among betches. We don't know what non-betches do, but we suspect that nice girls don't have a number, hookers can't count to their number, and Chaz Bono recently got to start from zero.

Either way, the goal is generally to keep your number down in life as well as in this movie. Anna reads in the outdated bible Cosmo that men don't want to marry betches who have slept with over 20 men. Um sorry Anna, but men are more likely to hook up with someone who's fucked upwards of 20 guys than marry a woman they randomly fucked years ago who recently stalked them down in a fit of pitiful desperation.


movie coverThe French are clever


Anna Farris' character was: an interesting ball of mess. Just as we were getting accustomed to her stationary face, we were shocked by how skinny she is, like she's actually tiny. We wanted her to be gross and old! Much like this movie, Anna exceeded our expectations by having us initially think we were going to be watching a fat, overacting Jessica Simpson for 2 hours.

As usual, because we were stoned we: don't remember her character's name, but her last name was Darling which made us throw up our #44 Diet Coke so let's just call her Anna. We're introduced to her being fired from her job, after which she gets on the subway (ew) and starts #80 bitching to an old woman that her number's too high. With that box of office supplies next to her she should've just made a sign that said “I'M UNEMPLOYED WILL SUCK DICK FOR $$” and held onto it with a pair of fingerless gloves.

So she's a little bit of a #7 BSCB. Immediately after making a toast to “making good decisions” she starts dancing on the bar. Cut to next scene: she wakes up with that guy from The Soup, V-card maxed out. We don't believe her number was only 20.

This movie further proves our theory on: guy friends. There's no way she would have that hot of a neighbor without giving him a thought prior to their interactions in this movie. Nor would he be interested in chasing after the ex-boyfriends of the skinny hot-ish blonde who lives next door? He's also a little too hot for her, even for a penniless sitar player. Why would he make those little creepy shrines for her little creepy clay figurines? Why does she make those? Why will the PSP play at a wedding but not a bar-mitzvah?

Congrats to Anna for: actually #32 winning really effectively. It made us and the bar we set an inch above the floor really proud.


movie coverWho jumps in a river naked? It's Boston.


Some things that bothered us:

– Why did Anna Farris carry that fugly backpack everywhere? Like, would you ever bring your monogrammed LL Bean to brunch at Cipriani?

– She would never lose her virginity to that guy with braces who brought a sock puppet to pop a girl's cherry, even if it was Andy Samberg.

– Did anyone else notice that the scenes in the commercial were not in the movie? That's like when they made that movie with Anne Hathaway and Jake Gyl look like it was going to be some raunchy romcom, but instead we were left cringing for 2 hours watching shaky sex because Jake was fucking a girl with Parkinson's. False advertising is a bitch.

– Her sister, who looked like Bette Midler if she was reverse-aged and wearing a wig, was a horrible sisterbestie, shitty actress, and also had a husband that was far too hot for her.

– The scene when Anna Farris pretended to have a British accent to date the British guy was a hilarious combination of Anne Hathaway in One Day and a really shitty SNL skit. We really hate Anne Hathaway.

– The end scene where she got the “master list of all the weddings going on in the city” to find her penniless sitar player. Were the writers awake for this?

Just to point out one more thing we were right about: everyone in movies has iPhones now because they read this website.