169. Reflective Surfaces

As hot betches, people are always staring at us and wondering what genetic miracle happened to create someone so amazing looking. But occasionally, we're alone or the people around us are like, down to earth and our looks don't get the attention they deserve. Enter: reflective surfaces. We've all stood in front of a window, working all our best casual street poses, only to realize that there are pedestrians eating lunch indoors are watching as our immense ego is put on full display. When mirrors just aren't enough to showcase the beauty and narcissism of a betch, she has to make due with whatever she can find. It’s not our fault that the ATM has a small strip of tiny silver lining in which I can use to check if my hair is still in tact after that huge gust of wind.

I mean, reflective surfaces are fucking everywhere. Every car parked on the street, every pair of sunglasses we’ve ever looked into, every phone screen we’ve ever encountered… God forbid we walk into a parking lot full of people wearing sunglasses. We would walk straight into a fucking tree. Disco balls are a reflective surface addict’s worst nightmare because we can’t decide which fraction of the miniature mirrors to look into. OMG this is the prettiest kaleidoscope I’ve ever seen! I look cute there, there, there, there, and there.

A reflective surface addiction is something every betch has battled with since she could fucking see. Ever since we caught a glimpse of our chiseled abs and perfect features in the mobile above our crib, we were hooked. And if our mothers ever tried to scorn us for being so self absorbed, we would remind them that it could be a lot worse; we could be addicted to crack, or Coca Cola. Gazing at ourselves into reflective surfaces is about as unavoidable as saying ‘literally’ after you’ve already said it once that day. Like literally, it’s impossible to stop saying literally. Reflective surfaces haunt your every step. They follow you down the street when you’re just trying to find the nearest nail salon. And even after your manicure, it's almost a challenge to not look at yourself in the reflection of your freshly painted top coat. They’re begging us to look deeply into them and say “mirror, mirror in every lobby I walk through, why does my bun look so lopsided today?” 

Here are a few examples of events in which a betch uses reflective surfaces to their advantage:

·      This graffitied metallic street lamp makes my torso look thin

·      I was waiting for tweets to load but then I decided to practice smizing for 15 min

·      I was in the bathroom stall reaching for toilet paper, but then I used the shiny tampon box to see if my hair looked sexy pushed back

·      This shiny silver flower vase is pretty, and so am I.

·      I accidentally set the brightness level on my iphone to zero…perfect!

·      Yes, I’m waiting in line, but I also just redid my ponytail six times using the textiles on the wall

·      I thought America's Next Top Model was on TV all day, but I was actually just watching myself

Sometimes the urge to look is more instinctive than ignoring a text from your mom. You could be on a date with fucking Ryan Gosling, but if there’s even the slightest inch of reflectivity behind him, you’re bound to spend the entire night gazing into your own eyes. The only time betches ever finish their plates at dinner is when the plate happens to be a decorative, reflective one. Even going to the gym to work out will inevitably turn into an hour-long Playtex sport commercial in the window of Club Fitness, starring you.

If ever in a fatwa with your bestie and you're unsure if she is your true friend or true faux, fear not, your history of staring at yourself in various mirrors can actually help you. Most betches know that the real test of friendship is never the “is she there for me when I need her” bullshit but instead it's “can she recreate my 'mirror face' on demand?” If she can't, then feel free to tell her to go fuck herself.

See betches, even when you try to avoid it, you’re still looking at yourself via a reflective surface somewhere, some way, somehow. I mean, you’ve probably checked yourself out in your iPhone screen once or twice while you’ve been reading this. Sure being so captivated by your own reflection that you literally cannot look away is often an issue, but that's what your Facebook pics are for. While nicegirls and fuglies reflect on the larger issues of the world, like poverty and natural disasters, betches reflect on the only thing that fucking matters: ourselves.

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