165. My Life is a Joke

It's Friday morning, you just woke up and you realize that you’ve completely forgotten the night before. You call your friend and she explains how you gave a random black guy on the streets of New York City one hundred dollars thinking he was your coke dealer and he in turn put a screw in your hand and told you to walk away from his car.  A deep sensation of embarrassment rushes to your face and you let out the prophetic “My life is a joke.”

This statement perfectly expresses the two-sidedness of your emotions. On one hand you are mortified by your drunken antics, yet on the other, you are proud for being able to divert all attention onto yourself.

This week’s addition to the Betchiosyncratic-lexicon is yet another example of our self-deprecating yet completely self-obsessed humor. When a betch equates her life to a punch line, it's usually the result of a situation involving her previous night's blackout. As betches already know, the drinking cycle is an essential part of our lives and has many phases. First, the party foul is committed. Then it's followed by the Friday morning regret, which we combat by using the fact that we were drunk as an excuse to do fucked up shit. “My life is a joke” encompasses all of these things into the thrilling reality that is your life.

Some may say this saying is exactly like FML but those who believe so are both simpleminded and simply wrong.  Think of it this way, FML is 'My life is a joke' but on prozac and with a fat ass. Asking the world to literally fuck your life might give people the wrong impression, suggesting that you're on the verge of jumping off a ledge are a huge whore or like, poor. When a betch declares her life is a joke, she wants you to acknowledge that she has a propensity for getting into ridiculous situations. Saying 'my life's a huge joke' allows you to brag about how scandalous your life is without saying, omg my life is so scandalous. It's almost as if you're saying “My life is so drama filled and unique that I should have my own reality show.” but without having to twist your words so it doesn't sound like you're bragging. It's important to note that a nicegirl can actually use this phrase as well. As in, omg my cat shed all over me last night, my life is a huge joke. But the distinction here is that her life is actually a joke whereas you're just saying this to be ironic.

“My life is a joke” should be used with a mix of backdoor bragging and obligatory feigned shame. Read: the following.

  • I drunkenly applied suntan lotion in a manner in which my tan line looks like a shitty Matisse from the crackhead modernist days. My life is a joke.
  • Your mother went through your text msgs to discover that, indeed, you do have a drug problem … well you don’t even need to fucking say it, we all know.
  • In your bestie group text, explaining why you were asked to leave the restaurant last night: Apparently I offered the waiter 100 dollars to go pick up and deliver me my dry cleaning. My life is a fucking joke.
  • Why you need to go buy Plan B: I fucked Josh last night and when he asked if he should get a condom I told him condoms are for quitters. Even my vagina knows my life is a joke!
  • Over brunch behind sunglasses bigger/darker than Precious: I developed a case of pink eye after having sex in a hot tub of the resort in Puerto Vallerta. My life is a joke.
  • After getting too drunk at a family affair: So last night I took tequila shots next to my dud cousin at my brothers bar-mitzvah and then proceeded to tell her to go fuck herself in the face: my life is a fucking joke.
  • Vommed on your GBFF’s brand new Mohair satchel: “So sorry! My life is a complete and utter joke right now!!!”

So remember betches, if you had to work on July 5th or you fell off a table at the bar, My Life is a Joke should not be used. Only in the most appropriate and specifically ridiculous of settings should this phrase of self-deprecation be uttered.  Claim that you or your life is a big fucking joke all you want but beware. When you cross the border from puking into shoes to choking on your own puke, you're no longer a joke. You're a big fucking mess. Remember, you must never use this phrase when people would literally agree with you. The joke is only funny if you’re in on it and don’t need to explain it. No one wants to fuck the real world court fucking jester.

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