If you gorged on Thanksgiving, it’s fine—we get it. However, if you’re continuing to eat pie for breakfast, nibble at leftover stuffing, and create abominations like turkey and mashed potatoes on some sort of bread, it’s time to stop.
You need to start detoxing before the influx of holiday cookies starts in three weeks, and you can’t lose three pounds by crying into your pumpkin pie. It’s time to man the fuck up and follow these 10 super easy steps so you, too, can be reasonably back in shape just in time to ruin it all again at the end of the month. It’s the most wonderful time of the year.
1. Water, Water, Water
You know what’s super magical for flushing out shit (literally) and detoxing your body after everything from a night drinking to Thanksgiving? Water. Chug this shit morning, noon, and night to get your body’s poop schedule back on track (rly tho), replenish fluids, and help keep your appetite in check. Bonus points if you add lemon or apple cider vinegar, both of which help flush toxins out of your system.
2. Get Acquainted With Fiber Powder
Fiber fills you up, so nothing is better than guzzling water with some fiber powder mixed in which will a) help hydrate and flush, and b) fill you up to prevent extra cookies later. This shit may save you when temptation strikes. Try a glass before every meal, wait 25 minutes, then reassess how hungry you actually are and if you NEED those leftover sweet potatoes.
3. Make Your Coworkers Fat Instead
Do you feel bad throwing out or ignoring all that extra pie? Are the sugar cookies crying for attention? Package that shit nicely and bring it to work. One thing people who work every goddamn day LOVE is losing themselves in carbs and sugar. Bring those extra pies and cookies in, set them up in the break room—or, better yet, the conference room—and watch how quickly they disappear.
4. Veggies And Fruit, Front And Center
Time to make steak, chicken, and fish the secondary stars of your lunch and dinner. Load up on fruits and vegetables for each meal. They’ll fill you up faster, help replenish vitamins and minerals that were likely ignored from Wednesday through Sunday last week, and will help in the battle of your stomach bulge. Plus, they don’t carry the extra fat or carbs of meat and starches. P.S. Potatoes or any vegetable in a cheese sauce don’t count.
5. Soup Is Your New Bestie
We all learned in chemistry that liquids more easily fill spaces than solids, so soup should be your go-to this week for meals that fill you up without bestowing hundreds of calories on you. Things like chili with lean meat and beans, chicken soup with veggies, and even minestrone pack on minerals and protein while easily filling you up. It’s like salad, but better.
Do you usually take the elevator up a whopping two flights of stairs? Is the gym within walking distance of your apartment? Can you safely traverse your neighborhood without fear of being told to smile (or worse) by deviants? Then go for a fucking walk. It’s low impact exercise, will get your heart pumping, and, yes, will burn some of those leftover stuffing calories sitting on your muffin top.
7. Salt Scrubs
Eating right and exercising are fantastic for detoxing, but so is taking care of your skin. Using salt and sugar scrubs in the shower can help revive skin after it’s taken a beating from your shitty eating. Eating tons of carbs and meat isn’t going to show as well on your skin as salad and water, so taking a little extra time to exfoliate and get your glow on will help.
8. Skip The Sugar, Coffee, And Alcohol
Jesus CHRIST. I know. I’ll let you pick yourself up off the floor for this one. Although a glass of wine, a cup of coffee, and a few cookies aren’t bad in moderation, chances are you loaded up on all three over the Thanksgiving weekend. Give your body a break and hit the reset button by laying off these food groups for 5-7 days. Then slowly introduce them back, i.e., don’t go on a Red Bull Fireball bender and drunkenly eat a sleeve of Oreos once you’re done cleansing.
9. Do Some Yoga
If you’re a crunchy hipster betch, chances are you’re already heading to hot yoga every morning at 5am (I hope you choke). If you, like me, roll out of bed and struggle to work without giving a workout a second thought, now may be the time. No need to head to a studio—just carve out 30 minutes or so to meditate, center your inner betch, and do some stretches. It’ll help you get over the post-Thanksgiving stress, which isn’t helping your health and detox anyway.
10. No Eating Out
I know ordering take out or heading to the diner down the street after a 12 hour work day is an easy out. And ordering a salad at said joint is totally what you intend, but it seldom happens. Even if you THINK you’re eating healthy while you’re eating out, chances are there are tons of hidden calories in everything from sauces to dressings to your cocktail. Safety first—head home and fix yourself a salad to cry into.