The 5 Sushi Rolls You Need To Stop Ordering Immediately

Stuffing a roll of sushi into our mouths has become a favorite pastime since sushi became betchy to eat.

However, it’d probably surprise you to know that not all sushi is created equal in terms of being healthy or like, not. I mean, actually, hopefully that doesn’t surprise you because if you really think your avocado roll and deep-fried cream cheese roll are the same, you’re delusional. But anyway. To aid in your Japanese fetish for raw fish, we’ve rounded up the most popular sushi rolls and their calories so that your Asian outing doesn’t result in 3 hours at the gym tomorrow.

1. California Roll

Probably your very first roll, the California roll is a classic that combines nori, rice, avocado, and fake crab (mmmmmm). No raw fish, though, which means no special nutrients or healthy fats (except those from our friend avocado). At only 255 calories per roll, though, it could be worse.

2. Spider Roll

Alright, well anything deep fried isn’t going to be healthy—so when you combine deep fried soft shell crab, fat-but-the-good-fat avocado, cucumber, radish sprouts (wtf is a radish sprout tho), fish roe, and pickled carrot, you get a calorie bomb. I mean, given all those horrible ingredients we just listed, this still isn’t as bad for you as you’d think, but six pieces of sushi for 376 calories is kiiiiiiinda high. Pair with a scorpion bowl for a dangerous insect themed extravaganza. Send help.


3. Spicy Tuna Roll

Everyone’s favorite basic bitch, the spicy tuna roll combines tuna with the usual nori, rice, and a slather of spicy mayo over top. Do yourself a favor and order a regular tuna roll with the mayonnaise on the side. With it, you’re looking at about 300 calories for a six piece roll. Pass.

4. Rainbow Roll

Not named for your gay bff, the rainbow roll has a variety of Ariel’s friends, avocado, fake crab, and some veggies. Although the calorie count for six pieces can put you up around the 450 calorie zone (omfg) you need to relax. A lot of this shit is good fat and nutrients, so, a decent dinner it shall make. If you’ll notice, even though all that shit is not fried, it still is somehow higher in calories than the Spider roll—proving that counting calories like you’re the white lady in that meme is not necessarily the way to get skinny/healthy.

White Lady Math Meme

5. Shrimp Tempura Roll

Just say no to this shit. Again, any time literally anything is deep fried, you should look elsewhere for your dinner. When you take shrimp, batter it, fry it, and wrap it with rice and possibly avocado, you get a roll that weighs in at 515 calories for just six pieces. You may as well go embarrass yourself at hibachi for that shit.

6. Cucumber Roll or Avocado Roll

I have a hard time qualifying nori, rice, and cucumber or avocado as a meal, but to each their own. The avocado will give you some good fat; the cucumber will keep you hydrated. So, getting this roll with some grilled chicken skewers does a rounded (if not kinda bland) meal make. And at only 136 calories per roll, you CAN eat this shit during bikini bod season.

7. Eel and Avocado Roll

Um, pass. At 375 calories and containing eel (which is like, kind of odd in terms of texture), this may not be everyone’s fave. It does have a lot of good fat and protein, though, so maybe just try a bite or two to get your muscle mass and state of total awareness back on track.


8. Tuna Roll

Simple, yas—but this classic roll of regular tuna will not only give you a boost from the sea, but will keep calories at around 185. So you CAN have that extra potsticker—because sushi won’t be ruining your waistline today.

9. Dragon Roll

Yah okay so more eel. Cucumber, avocado, eel, and whatever the fuck eel sauce is are combined into this unholy roll (which yah, still has those good fat and protein benefits) for a total of 460 calories. Shit, you may as well just have the tempura roll at that rate.

10. Caterpillar Roll

Combine cucumber, imitation crab or our friend eel again, and avocado with your usual rice and seaweed and you’ve got a totally not really healthy sushi roll. At 375 calories per roll it doesn’t deserve to be named after a leaf chomping insect (it is because of the avocado on top—so original, guys). More like the fat-ass roll AMIRITE.


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